Today began much like any other- early, around 3am. Immediately upon waking my body demands tea; I spent some time this morning debating with my body whether tea or Zopiclone was the correct choice- ultimately we decided on both. I drank tea whilst I waited for the Zopiclone to do its magic, a magic that frankly is so unmagical and unimpressive it would be found in the same magic set as the metal puzzle. I slept again from around 4.30am until just after 6- I think.
I had a busy and somewhat productive morning, nothing special just housework and laundry. At some point I decided to paint a mural on my bedroom wall but it appears I never did find the idea I was looking for, the wall remains lilac and brimming with potential, the paints put away for another day. I wrote a letter to a friend, in the most ironic fashion the thoroughly modern world of Twitter has ultimately led me to a situation whereby communication with this particular friend is only possible the old fashioned way- with envelopes and stamps
So my morning continued with the usual mix of normal and I suspect not-so normal. I did housework, I parented, at some point I got dressed and went to post that letter, I fought my urge to satisfy my new found love of setting fire to things, I cooked bacon for breakfast but no pancakes as we are out of maple syrup, I completed all the laundry, I set fire to some things, I drew pictures, I read my usual eclectic mix of websites, I argued with myself over whether to keep my appointment for my brain MRI or not- and failed to come to a conclusion, in another example of irony I gave career and relationship advice via Twitter, I am considering including a disclaimer in my profile.
The 6 year old was collected by his dad around 11am (and I realise now I crammed an awful lot in to a short space of time this morning), I had expressed a desire for the 14 year old to go with dad for the weekend too but as 14 year olds are wont to do she expressed her autonomy and decided to stay at home. I crave solitude and peace, I adore being alone. Having carried out two experiments in the last two weeks that involved entering the real world and mixing with real people I have come to the definite conclusion that real people make me mental. If I could spend my days alone with only the safe opt-in relationships I have fostered online I suspect I would be perfectly normal. So why given that evidence I said “yes” when the 14 year old asked me if she could have a friend sleep over tonight is beyond me. I suspect it was something to do with avoiding the ire of the 14 year old wrapped up in a whole heap of maternal guilt. Whatever the reason I now have two 14 year olds for the night, suffice to say I am currently hiding in my bedroom writing this and hoping our guests parents are not following me on twitter or indeed are fans of this blog.
I have had a very difficult week. When I reflect I can’t actually believe it has only been 6 days since Monday, I have said, done and thought so much and my sleep-disordered and deprived, distorted sense of time leaves me feeling like I experience life as one long continuum of disorder and abnormality with nothing to break it up. Friends and professionals have expressed concern about my health this week at times I can see why, I’m really not very well.
I could relate numerous specific examples this week that would support the general opinion that I am not very well- from the incident at the bank-
“when you think you are chanting “hurry the fuck up” at the person in front of you in the queue for the ATM in your head- and they respond”
To the road trip (from St Andrews to Inverness) summed up by this statement-
“I used to think they should dual the A9 all the way from Perth to Inverness. If I get home, I’m going to start a campaign to have it nuked”
These aren’t even the extreme examples really, just snippets (obviously Tweeted snippets) of the disorder and chaos I am currently pretending is life.
So I cling to the tiny bits of evidence I have that I am “fine”-
There’s food in the house……..food purchased at 3am with money I don’t think I have as I have totally lost control of my finances.
My car insurance is renewed……I have no idea if the policy is suitable, or the best deal, in fact I only know I bought it because I tweeted about it and have the confirmation email in my inbox.
The house is quite tidy……….we have completely run out of clean crockery 3 times this week, I have a lot of crockery.
The children appear well and happy and have attended school with all the appropriate uniform and sundry items……….I avoid the children, keep interaction to a minimum as I am aware I am a toxic parent at the moment. The 6 year old now believes it is entirely normal to deal with any troubling, official paperwork by having a bonfire in your back garden (complete with propellant). The 14 year old was forced to leave school early one day to collect her brother from school as I was halfway up the A9. The children’s uniforms were both bought in a haze- an expensive haze, I am grateful the 6 year old is a standard age 6-7 and that the 14 year old was able to email links to the correct purchases for the items she required.
I could go on. I’m not coping, I’m barely functioning- on the surface all appears well, peek under the surface slightly and it is a mess. I have many times over the last few days considered throwing my hands in the air and declaring “I’m ill, I’m not fine, I’m not coping” but I have yet to figure out to whom I would direct this declaration, what I would want them to do and what I would like the outcome to be so I will carry on and hope that “that thing” that may happen to provide the final push to my seemingly sane exterior doesn’t happen. I don’t know what that thing would be, it could be something huge like bereavement or an accident, and at the same time I am aware it could be something innocuous like a broken cup or running out of tea bags.
I wrote the title for this post before I had written any words- I never do that, blog post titles come to me during writing or upon completion. I realise now I haven’t qualified the title in my writing. I was going to explain all about my sleep paralysis and how I spent the afternoon doing all this stuff- then woke up and realised I had been asleep. I was going to write about how I had to spend an hour or so looking for clues as to whether my afternoon had been as it appeared or if it had in fact been one long lucid dream or hallucination.
This post could easily be entitled any of the following-
The weirdest day I have put into words today
The weirdest day- since yesterday
The weirdest day- so far today
The weirdest day that in fact is rapidly becoming unweird and perfectly normal for me
So yeah as predicted the blogging break was brief and I have returned making even less sense than I have previously. I don’t even know why I wrote this post, I don’t think I know anything anymore.
I don’t know.