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Scottish Government, See Me After

August 13, 2012 by mentalpoliticalparent

The new Mental Health Strategy For Scotland 2012-2015 has been published, you can find the full text here.

I didn’t take part in the consultation process, I wanted to- my copy of the consultation document is still in the filing cabinet, with notes in the margins, Post-its and sections highlighted. Unfortunately at the time of the consultation my own particular set of skills were required to fight the bloody, protracted battle with NHS Fife for the correct diagnosis, care and treatment. I never got to collate my response and submit it.

It broke my heart that I once again found myself incapable of doing something I could do and do well due to mental ill health. I still feel robbed of what I had and I’m still incredibly angry with all those ‘professionals’ I had to deal with who in spite of being presented with someone who clearly knew what she was talking about, failed to believe her, failed to take appropriate action and watched her lose everything. There are many things I will never get back.

I may be here less often than I was but I’m still here and I’m still as passionate about all the things I was passionate about before mental illness took over. I care about people, society and equality and I’m prepared to fight for those who cannot fight for themselves. I’m happy to stand up and be counted, to say my piece to try and bring about change. I always have been people just stopped listening to me.

It’s very painful when you realise that no matter how well constructed your argument is however rational and informed you are and no matter how loudly you state your case- it doesn’t matter if no-one is listening. Not being heard for all that time has damaged me, there’s barely a day goes by where I don’t feel the pain of being ignored.

But enough about me, my grief and my new-found emotional fragility, I have a therapist to help with that. Let’s get down to business.

I have read the new mental health strategy; I could write many responses to it and indeed cannot rule-out many, different responses to it appearing here on the blog over the coming days. I was trying to be generous when I set-out to read it; I thought it was too ambitious to expect that dissociative disorders would be addressed at all. I was prepared to base my response around the proposals to address trauma disorders- PTSD, C-PTSD, DDNOS and DID.

I changed my mind and I have the Scottish Government to thank for this, for reminding me that stigma, even self-stigma is damaging.

Section 4 of the strategy addresses stigma-

4.  Extending the anti-stigma agenda forward to include further work on

discrimination

 

The work that has been taken forward in Scotland through see me is internationally recognised as establishing best practice and has been learnt from and adopted throughout the world

 

There is a need to build on this success by developing the work further to focus on the experience of discrimination and exclusion that many people with mental illness experience;

 

There is also the need to focus attention more directly on stigma and

discrimination in health and social care services, which is where service users often tell us they feel the most discriminated against.

 

And commitment 4 tells us what the Scottish Government intend to do-

Commitment 4: We will work with the management group for see me and the Scottish Association for Mental Health, who host see me, and other partners to develop the strategic direction for see me for the period from 2013 onwards.

 

I encourage anything that helps fight the stigma against mental illness and I’m pleased by the second point raised in the strategy that recognises that it is the mental health system that stigmatises us the most. What I’m less pleased about is the Government’s commitment to work with SAMH (Scottish Association for Mental Health) and see me- two organisations that both fail to acknowledge dissociative disorders in their publications. I’ve asked SAMH in the past why this is and they have failed to answer.

That is stigma. How am I and others like me going to be protected from stigma if the organisations who claim to help represent us and claim to help tackle stigma do not recognise we exist?

There is a section on trauma within the strategy-

Trauma

 

The relation between trauma and mental illness is complex. Across the lifespan trauma is a relatively common phenomenon and many people have experience of single life-threatening events, or longer-term traumatic circumstances, without suffering significant psychological harm. However, some do suffer harm and that harm, while rooted in the psychological trauma, may manifest in a variety of mental health problems including depression, addiction or physical symptoms.

 

While there is a growing recognition of the significance of trauma, clinicians and others may be reluctant to engage with it because of the concern of causing further harm, or of not being able to offer an appropriate response which meets the needs of the person. We need to address that deficit and improve the general service response to trauma.

 

The Rivers Centre in NHS Lothian has been commissioned to investigate the issue of staff awareness of trauma-related mental health disorders in primary care. The work will begin with engagement with a number of GP practices in NHS Lothian with different experience and circumstances. A consultation process will follow with the RoyalCollege of General Practitioners and with representatives of NHS Education for Scotland.

 

The objective of this work is to develop an approach designed to raise the awareness of primary care practitioners of post traumatic disorders, facilitate best practice management of post traumatic disorders and improve identification of available local resources and services for onward referral. This approach will be piloted in the same GP practices as are involved in the first stage study. The pilot data will be analysed, modifications to the training package will be made in consultation with the RoyalCollege and with NES, and, if appropriate, a wider rollout plan will be designed.

 

NHS NES will continue to develop and deliver a range of training courses to support staff working across the tiers of the stepped care system, including psychoeducation for complex trauma, trauma-focussed cognitive behavioural therapy and Working with Dissociation in Survivors of Trauma.

 

The Scottish Government is also supporting the UK Psychological Trauma Society to develop and support a national learning network for trauma practitioners and services working in Scotland.

 

It raises some good points. The link between trauma and mental illness is complex, clinicians are very reluctant to address trauma and an increased awareness of psychological trauma is essential for those working in mental health. I’m pleased to see that the focus on raising awareness in primary care of psychological trauma and its impact is a priority.

I’m less pleased with what the government propose to do, The Rivers Centre, commissioned to investigate the current situation deal with depression, anxiety and PTSD. Dissociation is a symptom of PTSD and indeed it even gets a mention- but only as a symptom of trauma disorders. Dissociative disorders are trauma disorders, they just happen to be at one end of the spectrum.

Similarly the UK Psychological Trauma Society deal exclusively with PTSD and address dissociation merely as a symptom.

I have no reason to be confident that any of these interventions will raise awareness of complex trauma disorders and dissociative disorders in primary care or anywhere else.

Commitment 18 therefore, whilst overall being welcome is largely meaningless to me and others like me.

Commitment 18: We will develop an approach to support the better identification and response to trauma in primary care settings and support the creation of a national learning network.

Dissociative disorders, contrary to popular belief aren’t rare, from the PODS website-

 

Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) may affect as much as 1.5% of the population (Johnson et al, 2006). That’s just under 1 million people in the UK.  At least a further 3.5% of the population may suffer from another dissociative disorder, which equates to a further 2 million people

 

They are however rarely recognised, very rarely diagnosed and almost never treated correctly. Dissociative disorders are caused by trauma- severe, enduring trauma that begins in early childhood. Nowhere in this document is childhood trauma and its effects on adult mental health addressed. Had I developed my trauma disorder as a result of war, accident or natural disaster I may find some hope in this document. I lucked out; I peaked too soon and sustained my trauma from very early childhood.

There is one final section of the strategy where I hoped it would redeem itself and actually become relevant to me, the section entitled-

Health Improvement for People with Severe and Enduring Mental Illness

 

Dissociative identity disorder is both severe and enduring, however I know that I remain under ‘acute care’ with my LMHT (locality mental health team) as, and I quote “The severe and enduring team don’t do DID”. I didn’t even bother to read the section.

I’m not surprised but I am disappointed that once again dissociative disorders have been overlooked. By not addressing them in the strategy the Scottish Government has given carte blanche to the mental health profession to continue in their current vein of ignorance and the inequality will remain. It’s not that the information doesn’t exist or the experts don’t exist or the organisations don’t exist, it’s that to all intents and purposes we don’t exist.

I would like to see a cross-party group on complex trauma disorders and dissociative disorders established within the Parliament, I would like people and politicians to discuss dissociative disorders the same way other topics are discussed.

In the absence of NICE guidelines to offer guidance and protection for those of us with dissociative disorders, we need something statutory. We deserve to be taken care of the same way as everyone else.

So you see, I’m calm, rational, intelligent and have ideas to offer. I’m willing to speak-up, willing to fight and willing to say my piece.

But I am only one part, one member of a system of dissociated identities, according to the majority of the NHS mental health system and my Government (though I didn’t vote for this specific one) I technically don’t exist so who’s going to listen to me?

Posted in activist, Dissociation, Dissociative Identity Disorder, equality, Multiple Personality Disorder, NHS, Nicola Sturgeon, politics, Stigma | Tagged , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Mental Arithmetic

August 12, 2012 by mentalpoliticalparent

To sum up the weekend-

60mins + 30 mins = 90 minutes

- how much sleep I got on Saturday night, when I woke and checked the clock at 11.30pm I was sorely tempted to smash it into my face repeatedly until I was unconscious. I wept pitifully for a while, lay in bed until 3am listening to the thoughts of many and feeling a little hard done-by then I got up. Obviously lack of sleep is nothing new to me but I had dared to hope that the days of almost no sleep were behind me.

5 fish – 5 fish = 0 fish

- the number of fish the 7 year-old caught on Saturday when I decided to introduce him to blood-sports and take him fishing. In spite of failing to land anything the 7 year-old seemed to enjoy the experience, he even managed to overcome his ‘sensitivities’ and handle bait. Given his extreme squeamishness I think it’s probably for the best he wasn’t lucky this time.

100bpm + 80bpm = 180bpm

- my average heart-rate during the hour I spent on the harbour with the 7 year-old, a child who embodies “perpetual motion” and occasionally “dyspraxia”. I think I may need to get him a life-jacket for future fishing trips- just in case that theory about a finite number of heartbeats is correct. Two more fishing trips and I’ll be dead.

12 arms – 11 arms = 1 arms

- the number of arms the 7 year-old claimed to have had broken by the 15 year-old. The children decided on Saturday that they hated each other and a day of bickering, shrieking and moderate violence ensued. I’m sure this was not unconnected to the fact that the 15 year-old was forced to wake some 6 hours earlier than her preferred time in order to attend her appointment with the hairdresser. I left them to it, they weren’t armed (though I considered giving them weapons at one point to bring matters to a speedy resolution) and there’s a hospital five minutes up the road.

1 arm – 1 arm = 0 arms

- the number of arms the 7 year-old actually had broken. I didn’t even bother to check when he initially made the claim, he came to find me some five minutes later, appearing jubilant, I suspect he won that particular round.

1 + 1 = 2

- the number of serious problems with the stupid car that I am now unable to ignore, it often fails to start at all and now 9 times out of 10 the key won’t even turn in the ignition. We have a skills gap, none of us are mechanics. I will simply have to break out the magic Barclaycard of power and send the stupid car to a garage.

25mg ÷ 5mg = 5mg

- the amount of Diazepam I took on Sunday in an attempt to get something resembling sleep. Old habits die hard, it’s been a while and it’s indicative of a general “things are a bit difficult” feeling at the moment but it did the job and for 2 hours I was oblivious.

1 x 12 = 12

- the number of teaspoons we own and coincidentally the number of teaspoons that were waiting to be washed. Teaspoons are a kind of benchmark for washing up in this house- when they run out it’s time to address the state of the kitchen. Having no clean teaspoons was not as problematic as you might think- there was so much washing up and general debris on the worktops that there was no room to make a cup of tea anyway. The dishes are now washed and the worktops clear, I’m considering buying some more teaspoons.

1 x ∞ = ∞

- the number of problems at the moment. It’s often the way, some are small, some are big and some are massive. It’s caused a kind of ‘stalling’ and almost a complete lack of internal communication as individual parts mull over their own problems and how they want to tackle them or indeed ignore them completely.

3mins + 40secs= 3mins 40secs

- the average length of a track on the new album by Two Door Cinema Club- Beacon. It’s not due for release until next month, I’ve listened to it and it’s ok but I’m glad I didn’t buy it. I’ve yet to give it the magical second listen so my views may change, I’ll be sure to keep you updated.

300 fucks – 300 fucks = 0 fucks

- the number of fucks I give right now, right this minute. There’s no lack of very obvious signs that something is very seriously wrong but thanks to my amazing powers of dissociation it needn’t be a problem, which is handy as I have much to do and no time to be mental.

Posted in Anxiety, children, communication, Dissociation, insomnia, Internal Communication, parenting, single-parent, sleep | Tagged , , , , , | 32 Comments »

Your Loss Is Someone Else’s Gain

August 11, 2012 by mentalpoliticalparent

“Lost time” is something multiples talk about a lot; it sounds ethereal, wistful, almost romantic. It’s none of those things.

Dissociative amnesia is to blame for lost time; this occurs due to switching between identity states- I’ve made a diagram to illustrate.

How this manifests in everyday terms is that I often find myself somewhere with absolutely no recollection of what’s happened. I can ‘lose’ anything from minutes to days; I lose a lot of time.

I used to panic when I’d lost time, would desperately start looking for clues as to where I’d been and what had happened. It didn’t help that those involved in my ‘care’ at the time failed to spot I was experiencing severe dissociative amnesia and would incredulously ask “how can you not remember?!” I’d spend far too long trying to remember- trying to actively recall a period of time generated a sensation in my head like the force felt when trying to push the north poles of two magnets together. I now know that I can’t recall these memories as they’re not mine. My memory is fragmented, shared.

Now that my understanding of DID is better, I no longer panic about lost time, I just accept it. Now that we have the <?> therapist (4 days, 2 hours, 22 minutes until her return as I write- still pining) we have managed to develop skills that compensate for the amnesia. Internal communication is much better than it was and where that fails notes, emails, whiteboard scrawlings, photos and indeed “guest posts” on the blog help fill in the gaps.

Now that my understanding of myselves is better, I no longer panic about what might have happened in my absence. I trust my skills and what the past few days have demonstrated is that I’m absolutely correct to do this.

The children have all they need in order to return to school, as happened last year I have no recollection of obtaining the clothes, shoes, stationery and bags- but it’s ok as I know that someone else does.

The 15yo had no phone, I had attempted to try and rectify this but found myself incredibly confused by exisiting contracts, new contracts and phones in general. I couldn’t work it all out at all. The 15yo has a new contract and a phone- my old one. I have a shiny new HTC One S. I have no recollection of sorting all of this out but it’s ok as I know someone else does.

The stereo in the stupid car had stopped playing any music from the iPod, I was reduced to burning CDs like a fucking Neanderthal. This has happened before, I knew it had been fixed before but I think it was fixed with a combination of crying and pressing random buttons. I didn’t know how to fix it- it’s fixed. I have no recollection of fixing it but it’s ok as I know someone else does.

When the 7 year-old came home, he brought with him very little in terms of information. I haven’t been very involved with his life for a long time so details about how he was doing at school and what was happening in terms of his new class and teacher when he returns on Tuesday were missing. The 7 year-old and I were both becoming increasingly anxious about Tuesday. I’ve arranged a meeting with his lovely head teacher on Monday to fill in any gaps. I have no recollection of doing this but it’s ok as I know someone else does.

I have many clues as to who all the someone else’s are, whoever bought the school supplies for the children also bought herself a new dress, I found it in the wardrobe. I know from internet search history who had been eyeing up the HTC One S (I fancied the One X myself) and I can tell from the wording of the email to the 7 year-olds head teacher who intends to meet with her on Monday.

Dissociative amnesia is far from ideal but it’s not something I choose to do. I’m confident that in time, as therapy progresses and communication improves that it will lessen in frequency and severity but for now, it just is and that’s ok.

I appreciate that when things are difficult, I have help.

We appear to be living in a kind of relaxed squalor, the house is a shit-tip but it’s a laid-back, happy shit-tip. I know when it gets to the point that every meal has to be eaten with fingers off kitchen-roll and a basic level of hygiene can’t be maintained that it’ll get sorted. The 15 year-old is going to the hairdresser this morning to have her hair dyed pink. I don’t recall granting consent for this in fact I’m not sure she asked but it’s ok, it’s her hair. Once I get used to her looking different and am able to recognise her again I’m sure I’ll enjoy having a pink-haired daughter around the house.

So it’s not right, but it’s ok. I may not know but someone else does and what I know is that we all have the same interests at heart and everything will be taken care of. I sometimes resent sharing my mind, life and body with [number I will never reveal] people but it’s ok.

Dissociative amnesia can cause problems but it can also create solutions. I trust myselves and I obviously like me as apparently I bought myself this rather fab t-shirt.

Posted in Amnesia, blogging, communication, Dissociative Identity Disorder, parenting, Skills | Tagged , , , | 14 Comments »

Sleeping With The Enemy

August 10, 2012 by mentalpoliticalparent

Something’s wrong. This is not an unusual state of affairs; in fact something not being wrong would possibly be more unsettling. Initially I didn’t know what was wrong, I didn’t want to know what was wrong- I knew enough to know it wasn’t good.

Something wrong is manifesting in the usual ways- a creeping silence, isolation, the world and everything in it being triggering and super-high functioning. It’s not a return to coping; it’s a very different kind of high-functioning. The only thing that gets the job done better than my amazing powers of dissociation is dissociation with a side-order of denial.

Everybody with DID goes through periods of denial, we’re aided and abetted in our denial by the most of the health ‘professionals’ we have to deal with. Their own anxieties about having to accept what we say, what this might mean and what they should (but don’t) do mean that most of them are only too happy to feed denial. What these ‘professionals’ fail to realise is that for every question they ask about what is real for us, true for us- we ask ourselves a thousand more.

I remained in denial about having DID for a very long time, I clung to it as it felt safer. I hated the pink Post-it with the diagnosis written on it and would often turn it around- only to then find it turned back again. I would cry after every visit from the <?> therapist as she kept coming back. I was angry, depressed, confused and resentful

I’ve stopped being in denial about having DID, after all my multiplicity is as plain as the noses on our faces. By denying I have DID, I was denying I exist and though I know I am just a part of something bigger, that doesn’t make me any less of a person and I do exist. I have thoughts, feelings, ideas and opinions just like you do. All those who denied what was true for me, real for me were stripping the validity away from everything I experienced.

I no longer turn the Post-it around.

I haven’t given up denial completely, I cannot let go of “my history doesn’t fit”. The fact that I can’t actually tell you much about my history is neither here nor there for the purposes of my current argument. My denial serves a purpose, every aspect of DID does, my denial is as protective as my anger, my anxiety, my fear, my humour and my logic.

Denial is very powerful, very persuasive and allows a certain level of disconnect from what may be going on internally. Denial thereby becomes a form of ignorance but it still feels safer. I cannot deny that something’s wrong and that it’s not good.

I know it’s not good as we have the internal ‘meerkat effect’, I know it’s not good as I’m told by others that “something’s wrong; it’s not good”. I know it’s not good as all the signs are there- those precious few hours of sleep at night have become harder to get and are more unsettled. (I’m beginning to hate the word ‘unsettled’ it sounds so benign, so trite considering what I’m using it to describe. I think my continued use of it may be indicative of my denial; with denial comes minimisation). Sleep has once again become something unsafe, something to be feared. So it is to my surprise and confusion that the way the current state of affairs is being dealt with is by sleeping during the day.

Sleep during the day is, if anything, even more unsettling than sleep at night- there’s that word again ‘unsettling’ perhaps I’m being diplomatic too? Perhaps I just don’t want to complain? There’s a period of unjustified disbelief upon wakening from the daytime naps at just how dreadful the whole experience was but it happens every single day. The naps seem unavoidable, physical exhaustion is overwhelming at the moment- another good sign that something’s wrong but it’s more than tiredness that drives the need to nap. If we’re asleep- even just one of us -as if often the way, we tend to take it in turns, then nobody can say anything [externally, these naps are very busy on the head noise front] if we’re asleep then we’re hiding, from the outside and the inside- sleep is another form of escape, another way to run-away.

I know I can’t run-away in the way I’d like to, I know that anywhere I run, the people I share my mind/life/body with would come too. I want to run away from what’s wrong as it’s too horrible, painful and terrifying to face, my denial has been challenged in a way I don’t think I can argue with.

It hurts.

I know I’m taking advantage of the strength of my denial and the ability it has to quash what may be going on internally and I know I won’t get away with it forever. For now though, it works and until someone comes up with a better idea then I’ll continue.

Something can’t be wrong if nothing’s wrong.

Posted in crying, Denial, diagnosis, DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder, therapy, Triggers | Tagged , , , | 8 Comments »

Movie Metaphors

August 9, 2012 by mentalpoliticalparent

1. Alvin And the Chipmunks

  • When he first discovers them; Dave doesn’t want the chipmunks
  • The chipmunks trash Dave’s house
  • Thanks to Alvin, Simon and Theodore- Dave’s career is ruined
  • The chipmunks ruin Dave’s social life
  • The chipmunks often sing during the night
  • Dave can’t control the chipmunks
  • One of the chipmunks needs glasses
  • Alvin, Simon and Theodore are all different- but they’re all chipmunks
  • Dave realises he loves the chipmunks and can’t live without them

2.

Posted in DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Head noise, Humour, metaphors, MPD, Multiple Personality Disorder | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments »

Weird Science

August 8, 2012 by mentalpoliticalparent

I can’t see properly- sometimes. I used to wear glasses to correct astigmatism; sometime in 2010 I stopped wearing glasses and also became the “first person the optician had ever met in his career who has spontaneously cured their own astigmatism.” I spend an inordinate amount of time squinting, reading through one eye or just not being able to see very far or very well.

I’m allergic to lilies- sometimes. I often ‘forget’ and buy them anyway, I then find myself wondering why my face is swollen and I’m wheezing a couple of days after bringing them into the house. I’m also allergic to kiwi-fruit, bananas, latex, rats, lanolin and pineapple- sometimes. I err on the side of caution and assume that I have the potential to be allergic to anything so always keep a supply of anti-histamines in the house. Using products from Lush in the bath is like playing anaphylaxis roulette.

I have terrible eczema- sometimes. My eczema has defied explanation at various stages over the years, it appeared to be linked to hormones for a while- but then it wasn’t. It appeared to be due to allergies for a while but then it wasn’t. Some of the vast array of treatments I have been prescribed worked- sometimes.

I found out in August 2011 that I have curly hair- very curly hair- sometimes. I mentioned this to someone involved in my ‘care’ at the time; she asked if I simply hadn’t noticed I had curly hair- for 36 years- as I straightened it. I’m not sure when GHD’s were invented and I know my recall of anytime previous to right now, right this minute can sometimes be sketchy but I’m pretty sure the explanation is not that straightforward.

I can explain all of these physiological anomalies in a very straightforward way- I have enough system knowledge to tell you which parts have bad eyesight, which parts are allergic to lilies, which parts have eczema, which parts have curly hair- but I’m not going to.

What I can’t explain is why and that frustrates me. I am a logical person, I like cold, hard, quantifiable facts- this makes me curious, analytical and sceptical. The physiological anomalies of dissociative identity disorder really challenge me. I’ve looked for information, I’ve found a lot of fellow DIDers sharing similar experiences but I’ve found very little science to back it all up. I like science.

I’m tormented by my natural, logical nature as I know on one hand I can explain the weird things in terms of ‘who has what’ but I also know, that even though it doesn’t feel like it and even though I would argue it wasn’t the case 90% of the time- there is only one of me and I only have one body.

The weird things are also difficult to talk about and I’m very reluctant to offer anything regarded as ‘fanciful’ that will add fuel to the ‘does DID exist’ fire. I would never have believed any of these things either- until they happened to me. Those of you who have been reading for a number of years and indeed those of you who read who have known me in real life will know I have no reason to lie.

I am forced to simply accept the physical changes between identity states in dissociative identity disorder just ‘are’. I have trawled the internet for information and found very little, partly as I’m constrained by Google scholar and have no journal subscriptions so am reduced to reading abstracts which perhaps pick up on one key word in my search. I have other theories as to why there’s very little research into this fascinating aspect of DID. I can’t imagine that many of us would make very willing test subjects, we’re all different but our general aversions to being asked questions and the medical profession probably makes us poor participants in research. There are no drugs to treat DID, in the absence of big-pharma being interested there are very few revenue streams for funding research. What research there is tends to be on the physiological changes associated with trauma or differences in memory between identity states. I read a lot, I’m an information junkie, for the longest time this was done in a tireless pursuit to somehow ‘prove’ to myself I didn’t have DID- I never found what I was looking for.

Writing this is difficult, not least as I can’t see very well. The obvious answer is to go to the optician and have my eyes tested but for the time being that is impossible. Eye-tests involve close proximity to another person, being in darkness, extended periods of eye-contact and being touched- it’s far too triggering. Besides how would I ever find an optician willing to accept that I might need glasses- sometimes and that indeed I might need three different prescriptions- sometimes.

I’m fascinated by myself and by DID, in many ways I’ve fulfilled one of my dreams by finding something that can hold my interest and satisfy my pursuit of knowledge. Right now I’d settle for knowing why DID is so physically exhausting as it’s only just past 8am and I’m so tired I could cry.

I do cry- sometimes.

Posted in crying, DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder, insight, Internal Communication, MPD, Multiple Personality Disorder, Triggers | Tagged , , , , , | 25 Comments »

Semi-Detached

August 6, 2012 by mentalpoliticalparent

The foundations of DID are built on poor attachment, with ‘poor’ being a massive understatement. As a whole, I have a horrendous attachment disorder and demonstrate this in various ways. My attachment styles are ‘all of the above’ it depends on the people involved [both internal and external] and is as subject to change as everything else.

In part I demonstrate this by attaching to those I deem worthy- like a fucking limpet. Some of you may have noticed. Those I deem worthy tend to be like me in some way, share my interests, be up for a laugh and be considered ‘safe’, I’m not sure what the actual criteria are for being considered safe- it’s more of a feeling than a list of quantifiable qualities. Chances are if I’ve ever pined for you or thought you may be dead should you not have tweeted/facebooked/texted/emailed for an extended period of time then I like you, you’re safe.

This is a good thing; it even feels good most of the time. I adore people- lots of different kinds of people, people make me happy. This is where it all starts to get complicated.

I don’t get to do my own happiness; I am a complete emotional cripple, my emotional tolerance is around zero- laughter is triggering for me. I can get to a certain level of hilarity before I switch and someone else takes over- I’ve made a diagram to illustrate.

I start laughing but it takes someone else to finish it. I tend to come back quite quickly but my general default piss-taking, hilarity seeking position means that it is never very long before I disappear again.

I can’t do happiness either and as I learned this week, this is strongly linked to my attachment style. I love to connect with people I care about, am attached to but should that connection become too ‘real’ then I’m off. I’ve made a diagram to illustrate.

So I may well love you to bits but it all gets a bit overwhelming rather suddenly and I’m off, often for an extended period of time. I do come back but it can all be a bit tentative for a while, I may even avoid you for a bit just in case you ‘make’ me have feelings for you again- as then I’d have to go away again.

I think the fact that good emotions are triggering for me is tragic, I often wonder how someone ends up not even feeling safe to be happy- and that makes me sad. For some reason, I’m allowed to do my own sadness for a while. I’ve made a diagram to illustrate.

So I do get sad, very sad- I can even cry for around 4 seconds but then I’m off. It takes me quite a while to come back and having the emotional intelligence of a 3 year-old I often come back laughing and start the whole sorry cycle all over again.

Today I’m sad, today I hurt and again it’s linked to attachment. I have broken the first rule of multiple club and formed an attachment to the <?> therapist. Generally speaking we don’t attach or trust anyone but we’ve been a bit blindsided by the <?> therapist being there, knowing what she’s doing and how to do it and making it clear she’s not going anywhere. I’m not the only one who’s attached to her- a couple of others have too but their attachments are based on confidence or mutual respect, mine is akin to that of a puppy. I’ve only actually met the <?> therapist once but I see the effects of having her on everyone and it’s good. Problems get solved, questions get answered, she is right and helpful. Others would give you various critiques of her practise; describe her as ‘empowering’ or ‘a good guide’ or ‘accepting’ I just like her. I also have the ‘privilege’ of being rather sensitive to what’s going on as regards the mentals and I worry about how we’ll cope without her guidance.

I don’t have many people I consider safe, trustworthy and good company. I don’t have many people who understand me, who listen to me. The <?> therapist has become one of those people. The <?> therapist has had to attend to a family situation and therefore we won’t be seeing her until the 15th of August. That’s 8 days, 20 hours and 14 minutes away as I write this.

Today I am drifting around despondently, I’ve spoken to a few friends about what’s going on and they’ve been great but for some reason I’m still here and still sad.

I know that one of the things I have to do is increase my emotional tolerance, accept emotion, know it can’t hurt me but I’ve been up since 4am, entered advanced pining stage at around 7am so you can fuck off if you think I’m hanging around for the next 8 days, 20 hours and 12 minutes feeling like this.

The upside of multiplicity is that I can go away; I’m not short of others to take over. It means twitter and Facebook may be quiet, blog comments may not get moderated and replied to- but leave them anyway. Posts will probably get written but they won’t have MS Paint diagrams. I have a list of mundane tasks I can do but I don’t want to do any of them. I daresay I’ll pop up from time to time, laugh a bit and go away again. I probably should be grateful that I’ve escaped the usual silencing when things are a bit ropey, that in itself is progress- the fact that I still have my words is good but I don’t want to use them- I’m too sad.

Posted in blogging, Told you it wasn't like Stephen Fucking Fry, therapist, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Sadness, attachment | Tagged , , , , , , | 24 Comments »

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