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Archive for the ‘stability’ Category

Premeditated Murder- Part One

Posted in Anxiety, Awesome Psychiatrist, birthday, blogging, depression, diagnosis, duloxetine, Eating Disorder, emotions, illness, labels, lithium, mania, manic, medication, mental illness, psychiatrist, stability, suicide, tea, The Fear, Twitter, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 4, 2011 | 31 Comments »

As I mentioned in my previous post I am considering taking lithium again. This was not my idea, in fact it comes way down on my list of ideas somewhere after “stick pins in my eyes”, “swim in a crocodile infested pond”, “go to a Miranda Hart gig” “listen to Demi Lovato”, “eat offal”, “take up card making as a hobby”….you get the picture.

Lithium is the idea of my Awesome Psychiatrist, a gentleman I was very lucky to be referred to and even luckier that he found me “interesting” enough for him to continue reviewing my diagnosis (diagnoses?) and treatment. It is not surprising that in light of recent events he thinks it might be time to try and introduce some sort of chemical stability into my chaotic life.

I trust the Awesome Psychiatrists completely, I did instantly, I have no idea why, I usually make mental health professionals work very hard indeed to earn my trust. The Awesome Psychiatrist is very skilled and very experienced he is a “designated national specialist” according to one website, I’m not actually sure what this means but he’s a nice guy, very funny, gives me tea during appointments and laughs at my jokes, all good qualities as far as I’m concerned.

In spite of this I am still in a quandary over taking lithium again, for reasons I will explain, some perfectly rational, some possibly less rational but no less pertinent for me.

I have taken many psychotropic medications in the past, so many I’m not sure if I can remember them all but I will try- bearing in mind I only came to the attention of the psychiatric profession (this time around) in January 2010 this is quite a list-

Fluoxetine

Venlafaxine

Olanzapine

Quetiapine

Aripiprazole

Carbamazepine

Lithium

Agomelatine

Sodium Valproate

Duloxetine

Various benzodiazepines

Various hypnotics

I took propranolol in an attempt to counter the tremor lithium gave me- it made me almost blind

I was also once prescribed Risperidone for about 20 minutes but never took it

These drugs were in various dosages, in various combinations at various times, I stopped taking anything on the 19th of January 2011. I started taking Agomelatine on the 16th of  March and stopped taking it some 8 weeks ago for reasons that will probably soon become clear. I could write a blog post on each one and the reasons I hated it but this post is about lithium.

So I’ll start with the rational reasons I don’t want to take lithium again.

Lithium has many nasty physical side-effects; in my experience it causes agonising leg cramps, nausea, dizziness, constant fatigue, headaches, disabling whole body tremor, constant thirst, an insatiable hunger and accompanying rapid, uncontrollable weight gain. I don’t cope well with physical ailments, I tend to ignore most physical symptoms, preferring to ignore the fact I actually have a body at all. Feeling ill all the time forces me to acknowledge I have a body that is more than just somewhere to apply pyjamas. It makes me very uncomfortable. When I look back at diaries or blog posts I am reminded of just how dreadful I felt whilst taking medication. I accept I was over medicated, poorly medicated and poorly monitored but I have no confidence this won’t happen again. I would be mad to volunteer to make myself physically ill again.

Drug-induced weight-gain is tortuous, for anybody, for someone who likes to be in control of food as much as I do it’s even worse. I have managed to crawl to quite a sound footing in terms of eating disorder recovery, most days I eat three proper meals a day, snacks in between and have managed to make it through a whole month without any self-induced vomiting. No mean feat for someone who appeared hell-bent on starving herself to death a short time ago. I remember the incredible lithium hunger so well, I would be drop-down-dead starving almost all day, it never went away. I can’t help but think introducing a drug that messes with my metabolism would be self-sabotage at this stage.

Lithium is a mood-stabiliser, yes it helps prevent extremes of mood but it also has a tendency to cancel out all the ones in between as well. I functioned on lithium but I was without thoughts, ideas, feelings or reactions. I was empty; I am in danger of straying into the less rational reasons for not taking lithium so I will direct you to this post written by a much loved friend on the subject, she explains it better than I ever could.

So those are my experience-based, rational, understandable reasons for being reluctant to take lithium again. If I have the words and the courage I will try and explain the other reasons. I would appreciate anyone reading to let me know that they nodded and said “uh-huh” throughout this next bit as opposed to laughing aloud or further questioning my sanity, I have awareness that my beliefs are a little skew-whiff but this does not stop me believing them.

I often joke about being “poisoned by the medical profession” in fact during my first consultation with the Awesome Psychiatrist I made him promise not to poison me, I make it sound funny- I am deadly serious. I believe the medical profession want to poison me and make me something/somebody I am not. This belief  has some basis in fact, after my diagnosis there was a tendency to attach pathological labels to all my past behaviour. All the things I did, all the things I achieved were painted with bipolar, taken away from me, turned in to symptoms as opposed to qualities.  I believe that the psychiatric profession do not like me being who I am (or perhaps rather who I can be when not hooped-up on mentalism?) I am tempted to self-censor here as I know that what I’m about to say merely supports my diagnosis but I will go ahead. The psychiatric profession want me to be the same as everyone else, they want me to conform, be normal, be boring. I haven’t quite made up my mind if “they” (ie- everyone else other than me in the whole world) feel envious, threatened or just don’t like me, either way I know they want to drug the Zoë out of me.

The way I feel about this is paradoxical to my general feelings of self-loathing and I can’t really explain that other than perhaps by referring to that shameful symptom of bipolar- grandiosity. It is my understanding that grandiosity is a symptom of a manic state though and high or low I feel exactly the same way about lithium and exactly the same way about what “they” want to do to me. Even when I am crushingly low I would rather be dead than take lithium.

Simply thinking about taking lithium again makes me panic, it gives me the fear I shake and sweat, my heart races and I start scurrying around inside my own head. I have got as far as allowing the Awesome Psychiatrist to start the process, I am still in control, at this stage I have no intention of taking it.

I believe that in voluntarily taking those tablets I would essentially be killing a part of me. This sounds like a standard case of “missing the highs” and maybe it is, it feels much scarier and final than that though.

Lithium mutes the Zoë in me, it leaves behind a fat, trembling body inhabited by functioning parts, things get done but we don’t “do stuff” (“stuff” being a handy catch-all word to describe the stuff  Zoë does). Having re-read that (very long) sentence I am aware I am possibly making little sense, except perhaps to myself. It’s 3am I should probably stop and have a milky drink.

I don’t know what to do about this situation, I clearly cannot continue the way I am, I am just not safe- in either mood state and I accept that I am unwell (though I am willing to argue as to just how unwell I am). However I know that if I take lithium, the author of this blog will die and I suspect she’ll take the twitter account holder with her, I will still exist in some form but I won’t be living.

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Rambling musings of an apparently recovering mentalist…

Posted in activist, bipolar, blogging, CBT, Fantastic CPN, Fife, friends, health, illness, Labour, Lovely GP, mental illness, NHS, parenting, politics, psychiatrist, recovery, stability, support, therapy, tagged , on May 29, 2011 | 3 Comments »

I realised this week, whilst relaying my week to a friend, via email, that I have been “out of bed, dressed and functioning every day”. So again, I must be “getting better”. Now I’ve been here before at least once, thinking “this is it, I’m getting better” only for everything to then go tits-up and start cascading into another “crisis”. It’s a funny word crisis, it’s one of those words that takes on a whole new power and meaning when your lexicon has its origins in the world of mental health (that is the shittest theme park ever by the way). Again, going back to my love of discussing semantics, crisis is an everyday kind of word- broken washing machine? Crisis. Going overdrawn? Crisis. Late for work? Crisis. In mental health terms though crisis generally means threatening to kill one of your care team (sorry about that fantastic CPN), an unscheduled trip to your psychiatrist, more drugs and the threat of hospital. Well it does for me anyway, individual experiences may vary……. I’m hopeful that this time will be different and I actually think it might be (I probably said that last time too).

So what leads me to believe that this “getting better” may be different? Well…………………………………….. I AM GOING BACK TO WORK! At least that’s the plan, my old job is there if I want it (and I really, really do) and my plan is to go back. What I hadn’t realised is that once you’re certified mental and are “in the system” every Tom, Dick, Harry and GP gets to meddle in your previously autonomous decisions. I announced my intention to return to work to various members of my “team” last week and they all chipped in with their concerns and conditions. There is a general fear that I will rush things, take on too much and in my lovely GPs words “have another breakdown”. Gee thanks!

So what have I done to guard against my (almost overwhelming) desire to go back to work, get back on 15 committees and erm generally just take on too much? Well I’m not going back to work at all for around 6 weeks, even then I plan a phased return, to date I haven’t joined any committees (though I have taken on a little extra work for the one committee I remained a member of throughout my period of acute mentalism) and I’m generally just trying to be sensible.

Being sensible is actually a million miles away from where I was a fortnight ago- my original intention was just to go straight back to work and use it as a handy tool to ditch the world of mental health (very scary rides, no height restrictions, guaranteed to make you throw-up) my cunning plan was to become “too busy with being normal” to bother with therapy, CPNs, GP’s, psychiatrists et al. To be honest I’m still not convinced I can or want to combine mentalism with normality (ooh good example of black and white thinking there for all you CBT fans) so I’m kind of a work in progress. I’m not 100% convinced that I’m the best person to oversee this work but I’m all I’ve got- or am I?

So herein follows a rather boring diatribe about MH care for those of you of a political or parenting disposition, you have been warned. I will do my best to make this part as accessible as possible for those who haven’t paid the (extortionate) entry fee for the world of mental health.

I am fortunate, I have a very comprehensive care team, every aspect of my mental and physical health has a professional to bolster it and I genuinely like them all, they’re all good people- until they try to get me to do something I don’t want to do or disagree with me. I don’t mind being challenged so much- it’s kind of an essential part of getting better but I do so hate to be forced into a corner or told I am wrong! I never expected for a second that my decision to go back to work would be anything other than that- my decision but I realise now that my GP holds all the cards- she has to sign a “fit for work” certificate and now, “thanks” to new legislation it’s not just as simple as a signature on a form, she gets to suggest how long I should work for, what I do and also gets to drag me back in and reassess her initial decision. My last hope was that all I had to do was get her to sign me fit for work and then never see her again. It would be just like the old days and save for waking up finding a limb hanging off I would never need to see the lovely GP at all.

I’m coming back to this post a day later as I encountered a bit of bloggers block whilst writing it and now, to be honest I’m not exactly sure where I was/am going with it. I’ll just keep rambling, do keep reading it’s bound to get good at some point.

I’ve had another good day, in fact it’s been a good weekend, lots of parenting, lots of politics and very little mentalism- so of course I feel that urge to “get back to normal” even more patently now. Again, thanks to recent experience I find myself wondering if it was bloggers block or that “poor concentration” the lovely GP was questioning me about last week. I think the self-doubt that poor mental health leaves one with is probably one of the hardest obstacles for me to overcome. I’m so used to every little nuance being medicalised and mentalised that I question every mood, every decision, every desire. I’m doing exactly the kinds of things I used to do but I see them through new eyes and I’d really rather not.

So all in all, things are good- I have plans (and not the “buy a giraffe, name it Toby, get a tattoo, write a book- no 2 books, take over the world” kind of plans I’ve had in the past) I have interests and best of all I got a lovely warm welcome from all my Fife Labour colleagues when I returned to meetings this week. I feel like I am back.

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The Scottish election- a mentalists view

Posted in activist, bipolar, blogging, election, emotions, Fife, health, illness, Labour, mental illness, Nicola Sturgeon, politics, PPC, Scottish Parliament, stability, stress, students, Twitter, work, tagged , on May 8, 2011 | 3 Comments »

Following the disastrous results for Scottish Labour after Thursdays elections, a number of Labour bloggers have been giving their thoughts on what went wrong and what we should do next. Being not only mental but also political, I couldn’t let the events of the 5th of May pass by without comment albeit a uniquely mental, parental type of comment.

Fellow Scottish Labourite and blogger J T Smyth raises a point that resonates particularly with me “ Personally I know I did not do enough that I could have done to help the party”. Other than donating some of my (massive) collection of corex boards to my CLP, erecting a “Vote Labour” garden stake and sending a brief but heartfelt text to a friend standing in the election- I did nothing during the campaign.

Why? I don’t feel any less affiliation with the core values of the Scottish Labour Party than I did, I still think that the Scottish Labour Party are best placed to govern Scotland but I spent the campaign in a kind of election-less bubble, avoiding Scottish newspapers, skipping over tweets about the campaign, ignoring blog posts and generally just making myself unavailable. I did this for several reasons but it’s taken me a while to figure out what those reasons were.

Lack of confidence is probably the main reason I hid from this campaign, sure I blog and I tweet- without the cover of anonymity but it’s one thing being “seen” on screen, it’s a totally different facing people- people who know what happened, people who witnessed my “fall from grace” as mental ill health tightened it’s grip. At times I wish I hadn’t been so “brave” (as people are wont to call it) about my mental illness, it would be so much easier to return to my previous activities if nobody knew just how mental I’d been. I haven’t seen many party colleagues since I got ill and now that my daily interactions are mainly with health professionals and children, I don’t think I’d have that much to say to them. Even I can see that I’m no longer that rather loud, outspoken, energetic, informed activist I once was- and it feels raw, I have no desire to accentuate my failings by exposing myself to situations that amplify those feelings of being different.

Lack of stability is another reason I avoided the campaign- stress is my poison- good stress or bad stress, it doesn’t matter. I know myself well enough to know that the exhausting excitement of the campaign trail would’ve sent me reeling. Whilst this may have turned out to be “interesting” on the doorstep, I couldn’t risk the potential humiliation- for me or others. Don’t misunderstand, I’m actually really stable at the moment, manage day-to-day without the massive mood swings of the past, but only because I lead a quiet life and the most stress I encounter is a long queue at Morrisons or a six year-old demanding to use the garden sprinkler every time the temperature struggles over 10 degrees.

My other emotional Achilles heel- shame has kept my profile low for this election. During the last election campaign (May 2010 for those that have blocked it out) I went from PPC (prospective parliamentary candidate for the non-politicos) to psychiatric inpatient- the details are all on this blog somewhere. I don’t think I am ashamed that I spent time in hospital when I look at it in isolation but when I look at in relation to the circles I mixed in before I became ill- then I am ashamed. I have campaigned with and worked with party members and other politicians from all backgrounds, but I don’t remember any of them “confessing” to ever having suffered from a mental illness. Some backgrounds are favoured in politics- working class, parents, community activism, union involvement, university education but I can’t see any political party clamouring to attract those of us who have experienced mental-healthcare provision first hand. Do I think this should be different? Well of course I do. I still feel as though I have the same things to offer as I did before mental ill health got the better of me but now I have a whole new area of “expertise” to help shape policy. The question is will I ever have the confidence again to offer my views?

The good news is that I kind of got my mojo back in time for the election. In the morning, whilst driving my car to the garage again (see Twitter for the MOT saga) I wept silent tears as I tried hard not to think about the election, my past and my future in politics, I was struggling for breath at the mere thought of walking into the polling station as a simple voter as opposed to collecting turnout figures or greeting people at the door, I was mourning the previous camaraderie of election time. Fortunately I got a grip.

On Thursday, I voted (both votes Labour, yes to AV) and I smiled at the activists on the door and suppressed an overwhelming sense of grief that I did not recognise the Labour activists manning the polling station (I later rationalised that they were probably drafted in from the university so I probably wouldn’t have liked them anyway- see here). I went home, did the domestic stuff, parented for a bit and sat myself down in front of  Tweetdeck. I was still there 23 hours and several lost politicians later and I enjoyed every minute. I didn’t enjoy the absolute drubbing we got from the SNP but I had forgotten how much I like an election. Via Twitter I was able to vicariously attend counts, sample ballot papers, speak to candidates and generally just have a good taste of what was going on outside my own four walls and more importantly outside of my head.

So here comes the political bit! The results of Thursdays election were shocking but perhaps not surprising. From my perch on the periphery I could see that the Scottish Labour Party were offering nothing to the electorate, our campaign was negative and mainly centered around the ever present threat of being a victim of knife crime, as James Mackenzie put it (in an article I now can’t find and therefore can’t link to) “you are going to get stabbed”, hardly the stuff of promise. We eventually decided to adopt the SNPs promise to put a freeze on council tax but beyond that we offered very little. The Labour Party has a proud history of standing up for and representing  the Scottish people but we have failed this time. As I previously mentioned I had a garden stake……

Yes- That's the stupid car that spectacularly failed its MOT

 
…..and I lived in constant fear that someone going by would ask me why they should obey the stake and vote Labour. The only answer I had was “because we need all the help we can get”.
 
I have agonised over whether to contribute my thoughts to the “where did we go wrong” debate as after all I did nothing to help but I really feel that I must say something.
 
I was disheartened on election night as we lost more and more MSPs to hear the party spokesmen (and women) say repeatedly “the Lib-Dem vote has collapsed” as far as I saw it, this was nothing to do with our poor showing. Even I could see (and I am mental) that as a result of the coalition in Westminster the Lib-Dems were in for a beating, instead of using this as an excuse we should have mounted a campaign to scoop up those votes- and we could have done. I know that our share of the vote actually increased in several constituencies but not as much as the SNP share increased. In North East Fife alone the swing to the SNP (from the Lib-Dems) was 15%- we still came 4th.
 
So where did we go wrong? Well this post from the Yousuf has some good points but I would like to add that we failed to credit the Scottish electorate with the intelligence to separate Westminster from Holyrood. This (in spite of what Ed Milliband said today) ignorance on our part left us fighting a faux fight against the Tories in London.
 
Our election paraphernalia failed to recognise the existence and achievements of existing MSPs instead favouring those who may or may not have a future profile within the party.
 
Some of our candidates (not all) were drawn from the traditional background of career politician, there were very few “real” people for the voters to choose.
 
I honestly don’t know where we as  a party go from here and again my lack of confidence is leading to a certain amount of self-censoring. I hope that the promised “root and branch review” provides a period of time for honest reflection, I hope that grass-roots members (even those who are latent) are given an opportunity to air their views. I think Iain Gray has done the right thing in resigning as leader of the Labour Party in the Scottish Parliament- but even his title speaks volumes. The Scottish Labour Party need to forge an identity, separate from the London based labour party. I am disturbed by Ed Millibands proclamation that he will be involved with our review- given that the national Labour Party remained largely silent as the results poured in on Thursday night/Friday morning.
 
We face a very tough time but it is also an opportunity, I simply hope that the opportunity will be taken.
 
 

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>Tripolar?

Posted in bipolar, mental illness, stability, tagged , on July 3, 2010 | 4 Comments »

>I haven’t drawn a picture or picked up a paintbrush in weeks, I can no longer juggle three balls for any length of time and I can’t remember the last time I had a ‘great idea’. The furniture in my house has been in the same place for weeks, I never filled that “perfect summer shoe” void, never bought an iPad and the staff at Ikea must be missing me.

Even blogging is an effort.

‘They’ have won. I am dull and boring and just sit, doing nothing waiting to get better.

I said in a previous post it worried me that I was surrounded by a ‘team’ of medical professionals who only knew me when I was ill, didn’t know who the real me was, and there was a real risk I’d end up being medicated into someone I’m not.

Seriously, I don’t do anything anymore, I have no passion for anything and I can’t get excited by anything either. If this is stability ‘they’ can keep it.

I say this as today has been a good day by recent standards- no weeping or wailing, no desire to end it all, no hiding in my bedroom with the blinds shut, I even went out without worrying about it very much. I cooked, I cleaned, I dozed on the sofa- I existed.

Yes it’s better than the depths of despair but its not living, it’s existing and I think I deserve better than that.

I don’t even listen to music anymore (bit of a waste of the three iPods I bought during my last manic episode) I just drift about from one mundane task to the next in silence.

Perhaps this is progress? I don’t feel like it is, I’m almost glad I’ve had all my usual internal battles with my own disordered thinking to keep the interest levels up a bit.

Perhaps though this is the calm before the storm? I was hyper-active today and did over-spend.

Please let it be anything other than how I’m going to spend the rest of my life.

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