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The Scottish election- a mentalists view

Posted in activist, bipolar, blogging, election, emotions, Fife, health, illness, Labour, mental illness, Nicola Sturgeon, politics, PPC, Scottish Parliament, stability, stress, students, Twitter, work, tagged , on May 8, 2011 | 3 Comments »

Following the disastrous results for Scottish Labour after Thursdays elections, a number of Labour bloggers have been giving their thoughts on what went wrong and what we should do next. Being not only mental but also political, I couldn’t let the events of the 5th of May pass by without comment albeit a uniquely mental, parental type of comment.

Fellow Scottish Labourite and blogger J T Smyth raises a point that resonates particularly with me “ Personally I know I did not do enough that I could have done to help the party”. Other than donating some of my (massive) collection of corex boards to my CLP, erecting a “Vote Labour” garden stake and sending a brief but heartfelt text to a friend standing in the election- I did nothing during the campaign.

Why? I don’t feel any less affiliation with the core values of the Scottish Labour Party than I did, I still think that the Scottish Labour Party are best placed to govern Scotland but I spent the campaign in a kind of election-less bubble, avoiding Scottish newspapers, skipping over tweets about the campaign, ignoring blog posts and generally just making myself unavailable. I did this for several reasons but it’s taken me a while to figure out what those reasons were.

Lack of confidence is probably the main reason I hid from this campaign, sure I blog and I tweet- without the cover of anonymity but it’s one thing being “seen” on screen, it’s a totally different facing people- people who know what happened, people who witnessed my “fall from grace” as mental ill health tightened it’s grip. At times I wish I hadn’t been so “brave” (as people are wont to call it) about my mental illness, it would be so much easier to return to my previous activities if nobody knew just how mental I’d been. I haven’t seen many party colleagues since I got ill and now that my daily interactions are mainly with health professionals and children, I don’t think I’d have that much to say to them. Even I can see that I’m no longer that rather loud, outspoken, energetic, informed activist I once was- and it feels raw, I have no desire to accentuate my failings by exposing myself to situations that amplify those feelings of being different.

Lack of stability is another reason I avoided the campaign- stress is my poison- good stress or bad stress, it doesn’t matter. I know myself well enough to know that the exhausting excitement of the campaign trail would’ve sent me reeling. Whilst this may have turned out to be “interesting” on the doorstep, I couldn’t risk the potential humiliation- for me or others. Don’t misunderstand, I’m actually really stable at the moment, manage day-to-day without the massive mood swings of the past, but only because I lead a quiet life and the most stress I encounter is a long queue at Morrisons or a six year-old demanding to use the garden sprinkler every time the temperature struggles over 10 degrees.

My other emotional Achilles heel- shame has kept my profile low for this election. During the last election campaign (May 2010 for those that have blocked it out) I went from PPC (prospective parliamentary candidate for the non-politicos) to psychiatric inpatient- the details are all on this blog somewhere. I don’t think I am ashamed that I spent time in hospital when I look at it in isolation but when I look at in relation to the circles I mixed in before I became ill- then I am ashamed. I have campaigned with and worked with party members and other politicians from all backgrounds, but I don’t remember any of them “confessing” to ever having suffered from a mental illness. Some backgrounds are favoured in politics- working class, parents, community activism, union involvement, university education but I can’t see any political party clamouring to attract those of us who have experienced mental-healthcare provision first hand. Do I think this should be different? Well of course I do. I still feel as though I have the same things to offer as I did before mental ill health got the better of me but now I have a whole new area of “expertise” to help shape policy. The question is will I ever have the confidence again to offer my views?

The good news is that I kind of got my mojo back in time for the election. In the morning, whilst driving my car to the garage again (see Twitter for the MOT saga) I wept silent tears as I tried hard not to think about the election, my past and my future in politics, I was struggling for breath at the mere thought of walking into the polling station as a simple voter as opposed to collecting turnout figures or greeting people at the door, I was mourning the previous camaraderie of election time. Fortunately I got a grip.

On Thursday, I voted (both votes Labour, yes to AV) and I smiled at the activists on the door and suppressed an overwhelming sense of grief that I did not recognise the Labour activists manning the polling station (I later rationalised that they were probably drafted in from the university so I probably wouldn’t have liked them anyway- see here). I went home, did the domestic stuff, parented for a bit and sat myself down in front of  Tweetdeck. I was still there 23 hours and several lost politicians later and I enjoyed every minute. I didn’t enjoy the absolute drubbing we got from the SNP but I had forgotten how much I like an election. Via Twitter I was able to vicariously attend counts, sample ballot papers, speak to candidates and generally just have a good taste of what was going on outside my own four walls and more importantly outside of my head.

So here comes the political bit! The results of Thursdays election were shocking but perhaps not surprising. From my perch on the periphery I could see that the Scottish Labour Party were offering nothing to the electorate, our campaign was negative and mainly centered around the ever present threat of being a victim of knife crime, as James Mackenzie put it (in an article I now can’t find and therefore can’t link to) “you are going to get stabbed”, hardly the stuff of promise. We eventually decided to adopt the SNPs promise to put a freeze on council tax but beyond that we offered very little. The Labour Party has a proud history of standing up for and representing  the Scottish people but we have failed this time. As I previously mentioned I had a garden stake……

Yes- That's the stupid car that spectacularly failed its MOT

 
…..and I lived in constant fear that someone going by would ask me why they should obey the stake and vote Labour. The only answer I had was “because we need all the help we can get”.
 
I have agonised over whether to contribute my thoughts to the “where did we go wrong” debate as after all I did nothing to help but I really feel that I must say something.
 
I was disheartened on election night as we lost more and more MSPs to hear the party spokesmen (and women) say repeatedly “the Lib-Dem vote has collapsed” as far as I saw it, this was nothing to do with our poor showing. Even I could see (and I am mental) that as a result of the coalition in Westminster the Lib-Dems were in for a beating, instead of using this as an excuse we should have mounted a campaign to scoop up those votes- and we could have done. I know that our share of the vote actually increased in several constituencies but not as much as the SNP share increased. In North East Fife alone the swing to the SNP (from the Lib-Dems) was 15%- we still came 4th.
 
So where did we go wrong? Well this post from the Yousuf has some good points but I would like to add that we failed to credit the Scottish electorate with the intelligence to separate Westminster from Holyrood. This (in spite of what Ed Milliband said today) ignorance on our part left us fighting a faux fight against the Tories in London.
 
Our election paraphernalia failed to recognise the existence and achievements of existing MSPs instead favouring those who may or may not have a future profile within the party.
 
Some of our candidates (not all) were drawn from the traditional background of career politician, there were very few “real” people for the voters to choose.
 
I honestly don’t know where we as  a party go from here and again my lack of confidence is leading to a certain amount of self-censoring. I hope that the promised “root and branch review” provides a period of time for honest reflection, I hope that grass-roots members (even those who are latent) are given an opportunity to air their views. I think Iain Gray has done the right thing in resigning as leader of the Labour Party in the Scottish Parliament- but even his title speaks volumes. The Scottish Labour Party need to forge an identity, separate from the London based labour party. I am disturbed by Ed Millibands proclamation that he will be involved with our review- given that the national Labour Party remained largely silent as the results poured in on Thursday night/Friday morning.
 
We face a very tough time but it is also an opportunity, I simply hope that the opportunity will be taken.
 
 

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>Just patient…..

Posted in election, illness on April 7, 2010 | 2 Comments »

>Reluctantly and with great regret I made the decision yesterday to stand down as candidate in the upcoming election.

There were many reasons for this and I won’t go into them her or now but I daresay I’ll come back to them all one day.

The next four weeks are going to be very difficult for me, but with my illness they were going to be anyway- I don’t need to look for anything else.

So whilst my political colleagues- and I mean all of you, from all persausions- even the wrong ones and the very wrong ones *resists tempatation to specify* are out pounding the streets I will be working just as hard on something that I dare to suggest is just as important- myself.

Thanks to everyone who has contacted me to wish me well and whatever you are doing in the upcoming election I wish you well (unless you are a tory or a nat obviously!)

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>Political Patient

Posted in depression, election, Fife, Glee, health, Labour, NHS, PPC, tagged on April 5, 2010 | Leave a Comment »

>So without being actually able to categorically say it, here we are, on the eve of the day that was supposed to signal a good time for me, a great time. It is widely expected that tomorrow, Gordon Brown will call a general election.

Those of you who know me well and probably those of you who don’t even know me very well will know that I am an all or nothing kind of girl, I don’t do anything by halves. I suspect I am the first Labour PPC in North East Fife (12500 Lid-Dem majority) that stood up at a selection hustings and said-

“many people say that North East Fife is an unwinnable seat for Labour- I disagree, we just haven’t won it yet and I believe I can help us do it.”

Now I wasn’t big headed or foolish enough to believe that my 4 years spent on various committees, boards and groups, writing press releases on beach cleaning, lamppost design, dog fouling and school buildings, painting planters on roundabouts, cleaning litter from schools, serving tea and sandwiches to pensioners, familiarising myself with the Local Plan and learning more about planning regulations than is healthy was going to be enough to convince the voters of North east Fife to do the right thing on May 6th (or whenever). But I was passionate about my role and absolutely determined to do the right thing by the people I sought to represent. I love elections and I was particularly looking forward to this one.

I don’t want to turn this blogpost into a party political broadcast, I want to use it to tell an uncomfortable truth- but at the same time I’d hate to miss the chance to say this.

I really believe that the people of North East Fife have put up far too long with a reputation that perpetuates the image of the constituency as a giant holiday village or a rural suburb of Edinburgh. The truth is we are beset by the same housing, employment and social problems as Central and West Fife.

Scotland’s oldest university on your doorstep makes no difference if you leave school at 16 with no qualifications. Blue flag beaches in the neighbouring town are great if you have the time, money and transport to enjoy them.

We are in the grip of a housing crisis all over North east Fife and communities are struggling daily with problems caused by anti-social behaviour, poverty and drug and alcohol misuse.

North east Fife is “not deprived” enough to attract much in the way of funding to establish projects and initiatives to help communities, groups, families and individuals combat these problems in fact it has been an effort to get recognition that these issues even exist.

I live in North East Fife and I make no secret of my adoration for my adopted home but I know it’s not the utopia it’s painted as, I know it’s the same as everywhere else. I really believe the people of North East Fife deserve someone to stand up for them in Parliament, to make things better- for the many, not the few.

And there endeth the lesson! Now on to the real reason for my post and the reason there haven’t been any others.

Those of you who read my blog will know that at the end of October last year, the Non-Political parent decided to end our seemingly lovely coalition, I’m not going to rehash it, you can read all about it below.

This event proved to be the catalyst for one of the most devastating things I have ever faced and something that will change who I am and what I do, how I see the world and how the world sees me. That’s if I ever willingly leave my house again!

Now true to form, I will start in pedantic mode as the definition I am about to use for what I have been through is actually meaningless and isn’t in fact a clinical term, but I think it will serve to explain to those of you that haven’t had the extensive education I have had in the last few months about such things.

I had a nervous breakdown (at least once!)

As devastating a ‘diagnosis’ as that may seem I don’t think it comes close to describing the pain, fear, sadness and uncertainty that I have experienced lately.

I don’t want to go into the various diagnoses that have been punted my way recently, I want to use this as an opportunity to ‘come out’ I suppose. What my labels may or may not be isn’t important, but what this experience has taught me about myself, others and mental health is.

What has it taught me about myself? Well I had neglected my mental and emotional health, as many of us do. My coping strategies for dealing with stress were not mentally healthy and I’m assured it was only a matter of time before I ended up where I am now- reluctantly, I concur!

Something I’m much less comfortable about is that my own experience has shone a light on my prejudices- prejudices I believed I didn’t have, being a good lefty and all that.

I was ashamed in a way I wouldn’t have been if I had been incapacitated by a physical illness or accident, I hid and lied as I was unable to say “I am depressed” partly because me being anything seems to scare people- I’ve spent 30-odd years being “Zoe” but also because I had derided depression and was one of the “yeah, get over it” or if it’s really bad “yeah, take drugs and get over it” brigade.

Don’t get me wrong I don’t generally lack compassion I just never realised how debilitating depression could be. I have had brief dalliances with depression in the past but my determination to “get a grip and get over it” whatever dodgy coping strategies I employed seemed like a good enough answer. It wasn’t.

I’m not ashamed now to say that I have mental health problems *noise of future career in politics being flushed down the toilet* but I am ashamed of my previously held beliefs. I’m not quite at the point yet where I can say I’m glad my misconceptions have been challenged in this way but I will be.

My recent illness has taught me a lot about other people and their reaction to mental health too. Those I have ‘come out’ to assure me that if anyone can beat this I can. Whilst I’m delighted by their optimism, this statement often belies a need from others for me to go back to being who I was before. The truth is I will never be who I was before- who I was before was very efficient but not particularly happy, balanced or healthy.

Living in what is essentially a giant village and having a bit of a public profile is difficult as well. The receptionist at the local (brand new Labour built) hospital could barely hide her surprise when I turned up for my psychiatrist appointment- she hasn’t looked me in the eye when I’ve booked in for the subsequent ones and I dread running into someone that wants to talk about planning, green belt or housing when the only contact I have with the outside world is watching Glee on a Monday.

Obviously my timing sucks so I’ve had to share some details of my health problems with local party members. Again, for the most part members have been sympathetic but I am ‘the candidate’ and I promised to do a job and there is a huge expectation that one day soon the drugs will kick in and I’ll be facing Ming and Miles at a farming hustings in no time. as much as I’d like this to be the case- it’s unlikely. I am getting better but it takes more than medication- it takes time and help.

It’s too late now for me not to be ‘the candidate’ but I will not be the candidate I promised to be. What I would like is for others to see just what an achievement it will be if I can make it to the count with a smile on my face, an air of calm and a freshly ironed rosette- that’s my goal. If it helps- imagine I did have a bad accident at the beginning of November!

I am currently absent from work and generally out of the loop. One of the hardest things is admitting I can’t do it, I need to recover. I haven’t read a newspaper for months let alone followed local, national and UK politics in the way only we political anoraks do! I miss it and I’m still vain enough to hope it misses me.

Again, many of you have proved to be great friends, at a time when I have been less than communicative- I haven’t Tweeted in over two months and my Facebook status has been static too. I don’t answer my phone (nothing new there!) and again email is my friend. I’d like to say thanks to those of you who have kept in touch.

I missed Scottish Conference and I am devastated that I am missing out on the election. If I’m honest I’m dreading the ‘starting gun’ being fired tomorrow or whenever. I am bombarded daily with emails from the party, assured that the following days and weeks will bring more emails, texts messages and even conference calls- at a time when I have to put ‘get up, get dressed’ on my to-do list (and today I have yet to do it- it’s 3pm). I have come a long way on my recovery journey but I still have a long way to go.

Just in case you were all worried that I’d turned my back on politics completely, I will now seek to reassure you.

When I am better, NHS Fife and the Scottish Government will be sorry! I am astonished and disgusted by mental health care provision (or rather lack of it) it’s a system that just can’t cope and nobody seems in a hurry to do much about it. Accessing services seems to depend a lot on health professionals ‘doing each other favours’ and squeezing patients in where they can. The waiting list to see a psychologist in Fife is 9 months!

Specialist treatment for some conditions is based on outdated qualification criteria- imagine a heroin addict being told they don’t take enough heroin to qualify for rehab and you have a good idea of what it’s been like to be told that however sick you are you’re not sick enough to get the treatment you need. Inpatient treatment provision is poor and generally believed, within the profession to be detrimental at best for most patients due to quality and type of care available.

Mental health problems tend to be very pervasive- in my case the children have had to go and live with the Non-Political parent (aka The Catalyst/That Bastard) away from their home, schools and friends as I am unable to care for them. I am not at work and the longer my illness continues the worse the effects become- not just on me but on others too.

NHS Fife are in no hurry to provide me with the services I need to get well and, comrades, to my shame, I wished I had private medical insurance in order to access the treatment I need- now.

I am lucky that I have a very good GP and have been blessed with a fantastic CPN (community psychiatric nurse) and without them I wouldn’t have got as far as I have but they are as frustrated by the fight for services as I am. It is difficult not to feel hopeless in the face of it all.

I am analogising as I don’t want to publish my medical details but lets just say I currently have a broken leg- I was referred to someone to have it plastered on the 30th of November- I have an appointment for the 17th of May. There is no consideration for the effects of this delay on my family or job. This all comes at a time when I am least able to be my own advocate- if this was happening to anyone else I would be campaigning on their behalf.

So there you go, I am ill, not as ill as I was but a long way off being well. It’s taken ages for me to come to terms with my illness, its effects and implications but I’m getting there and going public is all part of that process.

So this election will largely pass me by and I am heartbroken.

I would like to wish all my fellow PPC’s, MP’s and activists lots of luck and energy for the campaign and I would like to apologise to everyone for the awful timing of my illness but I will be back at some point. Hopefully better for the experience.

Finally, any mental health organisations looking for a very hard-working, sympathetic lobbyist can contact me via the blog- though you may want to wait a little while!

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