Something’s wrong. This is not an unusual state of affairs; in fact something not being wrong would possibly be more unsettling. Initially I didn’t know what was wrong, I didn’t want to know what was wrong- I knew enough to know it wasn’t good.
Something wrong is manifesting in the usual ways- a creeping silence, isolation, the world and everything in it being triggering and super-high functioning. It’s not a return to coping; it’s a very different kind of high-functioning. The only thing that gets the job done better than my amazing powers of dissociation is dissociation with a side-order of denial.
Everybody with DID goes through periods of denial, we’re aided and abetted in our denial by the most of the health ‘professionals’ we have to deal with. Their own anxieties about having to accept what we say, what this might mean and what they should (but don’t) do mean that most of them are only too happy to feed denial. What these ‘professionals’ fail to realise is that for every question they ask about what is real for us, true for us- we ask ourselves a thousand more.
I remained in denial about having DID for a very long time, I clung to it as it felt safer. I hated the pink Post-it with the diagnosis written on it and would often turn it around- only to then find it turned back again. I would cry after every visit from the <?> therapist as she kept coming back. I was angry, depressed, confused and resentful
I’ve stopped being in denial about having DID, after all my multiplicity is as plain as the noses on our faces. By denying I have DID, I was denying I exist and though I know I am just a part of something bigger, that doesn’t make me any less of a person and I do exist. I have thoughts, feelings, ideas and opinions just like you do. All those who denied what was true for me, real for me were stripping the validity away from everything I experienced.
I no longer turn the Post-it around.
I haven’t given up denial completely, I cannot let go of “my history doesn’t fit”. The fact that I can’t actually tell you much about my history is neither here nor there for the purposes of my current argument. My denial serves a purpose, every aspect of DID does, my denial is as protective as my anger, my anxiety, my fear, my humour and my logic.
Denial is very powerful, very persuasive and allows a certain level of disconnect from what may be going on internally. Denial thereby becomes a form of ignorance but it still feels safer. I cannot deny that something’s wrong and that it’s not good.
I know it’s not good as we have the internal ‘meerkat effect’, I know it’s not good as I’m told by others that “something’s wrong; it’s not good”. I know it’s not good as all the signs are there- those precious few hours of sleep at night have become harder to get and are more unsettled. (I’m beginning to hate the word ‘unsettled’ it sounds so benign, so trite considering what I’m using it to describe. I think my continued use of it may be indicative of my denial; with denial comes minimisation). Sleep has once again become something unsafe, something to be feared. So it is to my surprise and confusion that the way the current state of affairs is being dealt with is by sleeping during the day.
Sleep during the day is, if anything, even more unsettling than sleep at night- there’s that word again ‘unsettling’ perhaps I’m being diplomatic too? Perhaps I just don’t want to complain? There’s a period of unjustified disbelief upon wakening from the daytime naps at just how dreadful the whole experience was but it happens every single day. The naps seem unavoidable, physical exhaustion is overwhelming at the moment- another good sign that something’s wrong but it’s more than tiredness that drives the need to nap. If we’re asleep- even just one of us -as if often the way, we tend to take it in turns, then nobody can say anything [externally, these naps are very busy on the head noise front] if we’re asleep then we’re hiding, from the outside and the inside- sleep is another form of escape, another way to run-away.
I know I can’t run-away in the way I’d like to, I know that anywhere I run, the people I share my mind/life/body with would come too. I want to run away from what’s wrong as it’s too horrible, painful and terrifying to face, my denial has been challenged in a way I don’t think I can argue with.
I know I’m taking advantage of the strength of my denial and the ability it has to quash what may be going on internally and I know I won’t get away with it forever. For now though, it works and until someone comes up with a better idea then I’ll continue.
Something can’t be wrong if nothing’s wrong.