The last thing I feel like doing right now is writing a blog post but I read a letter this morning from one of the people who share my life/mind/body, that letter said many things one of the things it said was
“Please keep blogging, there are loads of you who can do it and if you don’t we lose our story, her story.”
She’s right and I know how important the blog is to her, to us all. I know who the letter is from so it was no surprise to read the “damned by faint praise” follow-up to the request to keep blogging
“Some of you are ok at moderating comments”
I’ve never moderated comments here but I will try, though the author of the letter may appear to do it herself, probably at 3am as is her wont. I’m so grateful for the ability we multiples have to sleep internally as I’m really not a morning person.
That letter was an emotional rollercoaster, it made me laugh and cry, it offered many helpful hints and tips and had a number of trademark requests and demands. The letter could only be from one person, I know her well and many of you do too. I know she’s gone silent externally and I know many of you miss her, I miss her too.
I’m not very good at explaining DID and I can’t make diagrams with MS Paint, besides the technical bits don’t really matter, what does matter is that someone I know and love is really suffering. As is the way, it’s a hidden suffering and I’m sure at some point when she reads this she herself would find it funny that whilst she was marauding around being floridly mad yesterday, someone else was using the body to do the hoovering.
It’s painful to watch someone you’ve known and loved for a long time go through so much distress. The first instruction in her letter was
“Don’t be nice to me”
Denial used to be my thing, I’ve written about it here before. I denied we had DID for a long time, I denied we had a history of trauma for a long time, had that denial challenged in a tangible way but then denied it again anyway. I’m done with denial, I know and love someone who is so badly and cruelly damaged that if she even felt safe enough to accept she had a physical body would find being liked, being cared about physically painful. I don’t know how someone ends up like that or why but I’m furious and heartbroken that someone can. I’ve redirected my need to scrutinise every little detail and contradict all the evidence away from us and our history, I became the nightmare garage customer for a while. The stupid car needed a big repair, I dissected the quote, questioned every little detail to make sure I wasn’t being ripped off. I know nothing about cars but you can be sure by the time I dropped the stupid car off at the garage I was a veritable Vauxhall Corsa timing chain expert. We all know we’ve done our jobs well when individually we’re greeted with
“Oh, it’s you…..?”
People may not be able to tell the difference between us but very few are left in doubt about our skills.
The author of the letter doesn’t believe it and can’t see it but for all the skills in our system, hers are probably the most valuable. She thinks she’s done something wrong, thinks she’s defective, she is in fact highly effective. She did what she had to do to survive but she added several flourishes that turned her into one of the most fascinating, beautiful individuals I have ever had the honour to share a mind/life/body with. I will do anything I can to help her, if that’s writing a blog post or even being ‘ok’ at moderating comments then I’ll do it. That’s why I’m here, that’s why we’re all here- to help each other and it’s just as well we are.
There’s the traditional “wrong kind of ill” paradox here, I don’t think we’ve ever had more distress and ever been more unstable than we are now but you can’t tell by looking. We decided this week to stop seeing the Fantastic CPN, at least for the time being, she’s a wonderful woman but ‘help’ from those who don’t know our system and who won’t, can’t or won’t allow themselves to ‘get’ DID is unhelpful, unsafe. We’ve been damaged enough.
We have 3 hours a week with the <?> therapist (and several emails/texts, I would hate to be a multiples therapist) and currently those three hours are all given over to one person, one part of [number I will never reveal], we may have a range of opinions on the <?> therapist- from “who?” to mistrust, suspicion all the way to ‘vehement hatred’ but that one person for those 3 hours a week feels safe. I’m choosing to be grateful for that rather than fly into a rage about the shocking lack of resources for people with DID in this country. Besides, flying into rages is someone else’s job.
Addressing lack of resources is also someone else’s job.
I know what my job is at the moment and I’ll keep doing it for as long as I have to, I have no end-goal, no great ambition other than to see those I share my life/mind/body with are ok.
The letter ended with
*very sad face*
I wept and made a mental note to check Amazon for an emotional dictionary, she really is stretching the definition of ‘sad’.
The letter’s signed
[redacted]
Xxx
“I know what my job is at the moment and I’ll keep doing it for as long as I have to, I have no end-goal, no great ambition other than to see those I” …. care about about are safe/ok.
xxxx
Hi
this is hard, I know you know who I’m talking about but I know you don’t know me. I’m trying to do what I said I’d do (be ‘ok’ at moderating comments). I’m glad you care so much and I’m very grateful. I want to be able to say “she’s fine” but she’s not and I’m not sure anyone will understand. We’re all here for her but I’m beginning to worry that it might not be enough I also know she’ll be furious when she gets back that I’ve dared to separate us on the blog! I miss her, she’s here sometimes but she’s not herself. I do love her though and she’s opened my eyes which I think is a good thing.
This is hard, I’ve read her responses to comments on other posts and she’s so effortless and giving, she really is beautiful but so damaged and I’m so angry at whoever hurt her. I’m glad she has external people who care, I think she needs it.
Hi Dawn
oh fuck could I tell you a thing or two about DID! I’m not going to though.
This is hard- like really, really hard.
Bleugh, stay in [your location; redacted] so I know where you are.
Xxx
I’m always here…. When you can, I want to know/understand
Xxxx
Hi
I emailed you- yes it’s me. My newest job is trying to be ok at moderating comments and if I’m honest, I’m struggling, yet another thing she was amazing at.
Hi there, I hope we get to know one another a little better. Im glad you here.
Thank you
Xxxx
I miss her, you, you and all of you’s. DID’s a cunt and seems to be stealing all of our life’s. One day I am going to kick cunty DID in the face and smear it in peanut butter and feed it to the lesser spotted peanut butter loving bear who has netourisly low self restraint and won’t stop at just liking the peanut butter off it will eat did. Then when there is only one bit left I shall say HA fack you DID we won, cunt.
Love you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hi
I can see why she likes you so much! She’s not doing well but I know you have DID too so I know you’ll understand that we can keep her tucked away (for a while anyway) I hope she reads your comment at some point but she’s not coming out much. I’m trying hard to reply in an ok way but she is much better- I think you know that.
Hi you
*cuddles you*
A bear? That eats DID? Awesome!
Lots of well placed cunts there, well done.
Hope you’re ok enough.
Lex- it’s September this morning!
mind=blown.
Love you more
Xxx
Glad she came back for a wee bit. Hoping she can return semi part time as twitter iss just full of borderlines, fake mentals and EDers. We need proper mentals
Hi
well she is proper mental, there’s no doubt about that but as she herself said “could be worse, could be borderline” I don’t do twitter, I’ve had a look but it’s full of first world problems and makes me furious given what’s going on here.
Hi *waves* Nice to meet you.
I’m glad you have blogged & hope it helps you/some of you.
You seem to be able to ‘do’ some of the jobs that have been causing anxiety. I’m glad they are getting done, I only wish things were better for all of you.
If saying goodbye to Fantastic CPN is for the best then good, I guess. Just be careful. I am struggling to say in a non-patronising way that I am worried. I am. I also know the best person for the job appears. So, I am sending my love & shall be thinking of ALL of you…
Xxx
Hi
nice to meet you too. I blogged for [redacted] to help her and to help us all, the blog has many functions and eventually we hope to hand it to someone and say “this is your story” but I fear that’s a long way off.
Jobs always get done, it’s my biggest frustration about DID, if we were lying weeping, depressed in bed all day we’d have help- with DID we’re on our own, most of the time this is ok but if I’m honest I don’t think it is right now.
We haven’t said goodbye to the CPN- yet. She did text today but it’s very telling that I told her we were too unstable to see her and she took it, it’s also telling that she has been back from a 3 week holiday for a week and hasn’t bothered to contact the therapist for an update, like I said, we’re the wrong kind of ill.
I’m worried too, I hope I’ve responded to comments in an ok way.
You are doing fine with comment replies. I’m not sure there is a right or wrong there.
Hmm. The wrong kind of ill. It baffles me how badly professionals have let you all down, yet they don’t appear to notice
Well, in the absence of any physical help with ‘all the things’, just know that there are people who care, and there are ways of getting in contact. I wish I was geographically closer…
Xx
Hi
*screams* I’ve lost it! I have GONE ALL THE MENTAL! I’m hiding inside- upside of multiplicity.
I don’t know whether I’m coming or going.
I’m going.
Don’t die when I’m gone, I’ll be back.
Xxx
*waits* *promises not to die* I won’t if you won’t Stay safe, all of you xxx
hahahahaha!
Never mind all of them, this is about me! Just kidding….
I do not know what to do, now I’m drinking tea and waiting for someone else to wake up.
Seriously, this is mental, it’s almost funny.
In fact it often is funny- then it’s not, then it’s something else completely.
Anyway, hope you’re ok. I miss you but it’s safer not to ‘speak’ I’m switchier than a very switchy thing- all by myself. When one part of a DID system is switching chaotically you know you’ve got a problem….
*drums fingers on desk*
I’ll be fine..
Xxx
*nods* Amazon needs to figure out a way to send a person an endless supply of tea. When they do, I’ll send you one. Until then, I shall always make you a virtual cup every time I put the kettle on here. Y’know, I really think of these things. I barely remember anything else but I remember to worry about your tea levels when I make my own drinks. Ha. Xxx
I once bought a bag of 1100 Nambarrie tea-bags from Amazon, think they lasted a while about 6 weeks……
Glad you think of me when you make tea.
Xxx
Does Therapist know abt rapid switching? Is that why the letter was written?
I guess it depends who goes huh?
Sorry, too many questions. Not prying. I have my *concerned face* on too.
I don’t want you to be hurting (read: any of you) but we all know that can be part of the process, if so I hope it’s better & soon. If it’s not part of the process but another trigger & if you need more than tea, virtual or otherwise, you know where to find me.
{Hugs} xxx
Hi
this seems so long ago. I don’t even think I’m ‘ok’ at moderating comments! The therapist knows everything and the right part has been going to see her and communicating.
It’s too hard to explain what’s going on, you just need to know that who you know isn’t communicating externally except with the therapist, it’s safer for her for now. I don’t think she’s going to be back for a while so I’d best get more ok at moderating comments.
Thanks for caring.
You’re doing fine with the moderating thing. The blog is for your collective benefit, after all, not the rest of us.
I am thanking the stars et al for the Therapist, I truly hope things get better & soon.
Sending love xx
Sorry to hear you’re struggling. I don’t really have anything to say, or offer, but I just wanted to say I’m sorry, and I hope things will get brighter soon.
Hi
we’ll be ok, we always are. Thank you for thinking of us, we want our brightness back too.
Figuring nobody knows your system like you.
“one of the most fascinating, beautiful individuals I have ever had the honour to share a mind/life/body with”
You GO girl!
Our best,
Anns
http://newsdidmpd.blogspot.com
http://annsmultipleworldofpersonality.blogspot.com
Hi
nobody knows our system like the most fascinating, beautiful individual I have ever had the honour…… but she’s not available right now. I didn’t realise what pressure we put on her, what a burden we were until she had to go away.
We will keep going, we always do.
I can see what a peril that must be. We had problems too with our Kate leaving. She was like a “boss” of the system. It eventually was figured out that she would take vacations. She’s the only part that really does this – get away so completely and seemingly in the hectic middle of things. After we figured how much we were stressing her, Jesse started taking more of a leadership role and co-authority in being on the final decision-making team. It’s really alleviated stress all around. If not Kate and Jesse, than certainly Ayn or Ann can handle things as well – though not as focused on “pure leadership – just good folks
” It makes sense to share the burdens now while still appreciating how much Kate has done in setting up some solid structures. Yay TEAM!!!
Our best,
Anns
http://newsdidmpd.blogspot.com
http://annsmultipleworldofpersonality.blogspot.com
Hi
it was a bit like that but far worse, I don’t want to go into detail. We’ve restructured but it’s all a lot more complicated now and that gaping hole is still there.
I don’t have DID and i probably understand it less than the small glimmer of cognition i think i have – so i apologise if what i say does not help. In my own life i have spent a lifetime wearing masks, being the person i needed to be to do certain things, fit in with certain people. All the while there was a very sad person hidden away who never got a chance to be the person they wanted to be.
Eventually the masks began to slip or crack or fade or were just abandoned, and all that was left was sadness. Its not the same. Clearly. it It almost opposite. I think. But that core of unbearable despair, that is the same perhaps, and it is something i wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. But i would wish an unpleasant STD on them – Cameron, i’m looking at you – i digress. In my head you are all called Zoe. In my head you have a marching anthem – Bjork’s ‘Army of Me’. I don’t want any Zoe to be sad. The Zoe i know is particularly special to me. I wish there was something i could do. If giving Cameron syphillis will help I’ll do my best to make it happen.
Dx
Hi
you helped as I almost came rushing out with my MY NAME ISN’T ZOE! tantrum but then realised the futility in it as I’m not allowed to tell you what it is. you did get me to ‘speak’ though so that’s good.
I
Have
Gone
Mad
Like, really, really mad. I’ve taken madness and DID to dizzying new heights- the only upside being that I have an internal world to hide in so the crazy catchers can’t get me. Which would be good except I keep bursting out and going mad. I’m like the personality hokey-cokey at the moment.
I’m not sad- except when I am, I am many, many things and I don’t even know what they all are now.
*confused face*
I was going to listen to that Bjork song but I didn’t.
Don’t give Cameron syphillis as that would involve some sort of contact with him and I wouldn’t want that for you.
Did you know it was September?! How the fuck did that happen?
Wake me up when it ends.
nice to ‘see’ you though.
Xxx
OK, I will call you ‘the artist formally known as’
I wish i lived closer. Would You mind if i held your virtual hand and told you ‘ everything will be all right’ in a condescending way? If That doesn’t float your boat i could talk about the time when i was chased by a giant Caterpillar brandishing a tree. That may not have happened anywhere other than in my head.
I have my concerned face on. I am worried. And not about myself. That will never do. Get better this instant so i can go back to being a narcissist.
Dx
Prefer the caterpillar tbh, sounds fascinating.
Yeah, I’m worried too- really worried. It’s not good and it hurts a lot of the time.
I suppose I should be glad there’s plenty of others to do all the functioning stuff?
I don’t know, not sure I know anything anymore.
I’m not dying and as far as I know, nobody has plans to off themselves- we’re all about survival us multiples.
Sucks to be us D
Xxx
Do you have the ‘Tea and Kittens’ plugin for your chatyweb browser? If not look it up. It makes life minutely less Shit. And Improves your mental health by saving you from viewing something truly awful.
Thinking of you and tea and kittens.
Dx
*mumble*
Hi
she’s still not here I’m afraid but I’m going to publish all your comments so she can read them when she gets back.
Was thinking of how i get through madness when it comes and its alot of weeping and wailing and woe is me … and being an observer as you go out of control. I don’t have a magic bullet solution – you just have to see it through – it literally is a mental rollercoaster ride – scary as fuck and you are held in place while your insides are being violated by forces bring your control. But the ride ends. That’s what you have to hold onto. The madness ends and you get on another ride with with a much more tolerable level of headfuckery.
So hang in there. I need more-acceptably-mental non-Zoe back.
Dx
ps I have noted your guidance not to give Cameron syphillis. I also note your implied acceptance that i have syphillis with which to do the infecting.
Yours syphillitically …
*Meep-Meep*
Still alive? Still mad?
The ‘…not sure I know anything anymore’ really hit home – yes it does suck to be you … and you and etc etc
Other than chirping up regularly in an increasingly irritating fashion I don’t think I can help – wish it were otherwise.
What I do have are distractions:
[1] This is my list of positive/annoying ‘you can do it’ ‘anything is possible’ ‘everything is going to be ok eventually type messages –
http://pinterest.com/ProfessorYaffle/vivacity/
[2] This is my list of ‘Darkness, Doom, Despair’ I wish I were dead’ type images ‘cos sometimes you (or me) lose the ability to express the torment, you lose the ability to be a person of words, which is the worst thing -
http://pinterest.com/ProfessorYaffle/vapors/
And just for poops and giggles here are alot of pictures of beards – pirate and otherwise –
http://pinterest.com/ProfessorYaffle/villus/
and there is other stuff – kittens etc if you want to browse.
Thinking of you. Missing you.
Dx
Hi,
Just let Zoe know that I really do care, I really do miss her, and I really can’t wait to have her back. I even had a dream last night that she had run away to Birmingham to see Gem and I put a rainbow unicorn in my barbeque, wrapped it up so it looked like a pig, and sent it in the post to her to cheer her up! (But I am pregnant so that could explain it)
You sound nice to, so I’m sure we will get along
If we’ve spoken before I’m sorry to sound ignorant 
Much Love, Helen x
Hi
she’s still not here and if she was she’d be freaking out about you calling her Zoe! Don’t worry about it. Your dreams are interesting, have you considered therapy? Pregnant? Bad luck love and way too late for therapy. I’m nice enough I suppose but not as nice or as good at moderating comments as she is, we haven’t spoken before- I share a brain and mouth with [person you know] can you imagine ever trying to get a word in?
Being mental sucks. I miss you.
Hoohars.
Hi
It does suck, she’s still not here and I miss her too.
Big massive enormous virtual hugs from France. I DID know it was September & it still freaks me out. Also eldest is learning to play When September Ends on the guitar. Love yous xxxxx
Hi, can’t really say anything other than I hope it all gets better for you* soon.
* usefully both singular and plural that word. like fish.
Hi
thanks, waiting for it to get better but I’d settle for noisier- when someone who talks so much goes away you begin to realise that however annoying they were you really miss them.
hi
(((not condescending)))
tempted to start using twitter just to see if you are still virtually around…are you?
i also know shit-all about DID but was wondering if it was similar in any way to other mental health probs where it gets worse, or FEELS worse when you are getting close to turning some sort of corner…not necessarily THE corner (which i dont think really exists) but one going in that direction…?
hope you come back stronger soon
x
Hi
I don’t use twitter either, she’s not around.
I don’t know if it’s turning a corner, in a way it is but with DID there are so many corners and round each one is something shit this one was particularly shit for the person you’re more familiar with.
Sitting here searching for something vaguely comforting to say and failing abjectly.
Imaginary tea won’t help, but it can’t hurt.
Hi
Imaginary tea would probably be more use than you’d ever know, you clearly know her well and it’s just not the same without her.
Thank you for writing this blog post. I am worried about you all, and most especially about the one of you that normally writes. Missing her massively. I send love and hugs to her, and to you all if that is ok with all of you. xxx
Hi
I miss her too and I think she probably misses all her friends, thanks for getting in touch.