To sum up the weekend-
60mins + 30 mins = 90 minutes
- how much sleep I got on Saturday night, when I woke and checked the clock at 11.30pm I was sorely tempted to smash it into my face repeatedly until I was unconscious. I wept pitifully for a while, lay in bed until 3am listening to the thoughts of many and feeling a little hard done-by then I got up. Obviously lack of sleep is nothing new to me but I had dared to hope that the days of almost no sleep were behind me.
5 fish – 5 fish = 0 fish
- the number of fish the 7 year-old caught on Saturday when I decided to introduce him to blood-sports and take him fishing. In spite of failing to land anything the 7 year-old seemed to enjoy the experience, he even managed to overcome his ‘sensitivities’ and handle bait. Given his extreme squeamishness I think it’s probably for the best he wasn’t lucky this time.
100bpm + 80bpm = 180bpm
- my average heart-rate during the hour I spent on the harbour with the 7 year-old, a child who embodies “perpetual motion” and occasionally “dyspraxia”. I think I may need to get him a life-jacket for future fishing trips- just in case that theory about a finite number of heartbeats is correct. Two more fishing trips and I’ll be dead.
12 arms – 11 arms = 1 arms
- the number of arms the 7 year-old claimed to have had broken by the 15 year-old. The children decided on Saturday that they hated each other and a day of bickering, shrieking and moderate violence ensued. I’m sure this was not unconnected to the fact that the 15 year-old was forced to wake some 6 hours earlier than her preferred time in order to attend her appointment with the hairdresser. I left them to it, they weren’t armed (though I considered giving them weapons at one point to bring matters to a speedy resolution) and there’s a hospital five minutes up the road.
1 arm – 1 arm = 0 arms
- the number of arms the 7 year-old actually had broken. I didn’t even bother to check when he initially made the claim, he came to find me some five minutes later, appearing jubilant, I suspect he won that particular round.
1 + 1 = 2
- the number of serious problems with the stupid car that I am now unable to ignore, it often fails to start at all and now 9 times out of 10 the key won’t even turn in the ignition. We have a skills gap, none of us are mechanics. I will simply have to break out the magic Barclaycard of power and send the stupid car to a garage.
25mg ÷ 5mg = 5mg
- the amount of Diazepam I took on Sunday in an attempt to get something resembling sleep. Old habits die hard, it’s been a while and it’s indicative of a general “things are a bit difficult” feeling at the moment but it did the job and for 2 hours I was oblivious.
1 x 12 = 12
- the number of teaspoons we own and coincidentally the number of teaspoons that were waiting to be washed. Teaspoons are a kind of benchmark for washing up in this house- when they run out it’s time to address the state of the kitchen. Having no clean teaspoons was not as problematic as you might think- there was so much washing up and general debris on the worktops that there was no room to make a cup of tea anyway. The dishes are now washed and the worktops clear, I’m considering buying some more teaspoons.
1 x ∞ = ∞
- the number of problems at the moment. It’s often the way, some are small, some are big and some are massive. It’s caused a kind of ‘stalling’ and almost a complete lack of internal communication as individual parts mull over their own problems and how they want to tackle them or indeed ignore them completely.
3mins + 40secs= 3mins 40secs
- the average length of a track on the new album by Two Door Cinema Club- Beacon. It’s not due for release until next month, I’ve listened to it and it’s ok but I’m glad I didn’t buy it. I’ve yet to give it the magical second listen so my views may change, I’ll be sure to keep you updated.
300 fucks – 300 fucks = 0 fucks
- the number of fucks I give right now, right this minute. There’s no lack of very obvious signs that something is very seriously wrong but thanks to my amazing powers of dissociation it needn’t be a problem, which is handy as I have much to do and no time to be mental.
Not that I mean to be a pedant, but 25mg ÷ 5mg = 5, not 5mg, you know with the cancelling out of the mg’s *runs away*
And 0 fucks – 100 fucks = ?
Hahahahaha! Pedant, fuck off.
Besides it’s unsafe to cancel out the units when you’re working out a dosage- even if that dosage if for minor prescription drug misuse.
Xxx
But pedant is what makes me who I am!!!
)
That’s so true, full marks for self-awareness. You just wouldn’t be you if you weren’t pedantic, even after all this time I wouldn’t want you any other way
Xxx
This post made me smile, and yes, the ‘mg’ thing got me too. *slaps self* In fairness, I am just jealous that you have sufficient diazepam to do such mental arithmetic. At present I have 0mg + 0mg
I give many fucks about this poor state of affairs. *Sends more teaspoons* xx 
Honestly, you people and your inability to recognise literary vehicles! When I’m writing a scientific blog post I’ll be sure to do it properly.
Sorry you have no benzos, they are essential sometimes. I’m still giving no fucks, mainly as i’m scared that if I give so much as one fuck, I’ll be overwhelmed by fucks, it’s not been a good weekend [massive understatement] dissociation is my friend- dissociation and wine….and diazepam.
Thanks for the teaspoons, hope they are the right teaspoons, I’m very fussy…. #obsessive
Xxx
Don’t give any fucks. Fucks only lead to more until the number of them is out of control. Infinite fucks. Zero is best.
I have Desparado, tequila flavoured beer, s’ok but dangerous as I don’t drink. State of emergency. Anything goes.
Check twitter. My teaspoons are amazing. I have many varieties for other people. The ones pictured are mine. #obsessive
Yep, you get it in the fucks.
Danger is good sometimes- or something.
Teaspoons are very important but nothing is as important as those things that are MINE.
Just saw your teaspoons- they look a bit like MINE! They are lovely, I love teaspoons I do- but only the right ones, I become crippled by fear if the right ones aren’t available. #maybemental
Xxx
Y’know the worst thing about MY teaspoons? Tesco don’t sell them anymore. I am extremely possessive of them. One of the few things (physical items) I truly NEED or I cannot eat.
#maybementaltoo
Mine are from Ikea and I too am rendered incapable of feeding myself should they not be available. #youarementaltoo #thatwhyiloveyou #thereareotherreasonsthough
hold on to those teaspoons.
Xxx
*Hides teaspoons* *Considers raiding Ikea on your behalf* xxx
hiding them is a good idea. Ikea is fab, we should go together one day
Xxx
Yes, we should. Ikea should be warned to stock up on teaspoons.I have a red VW van-shaped-lemon which will fit many teaspoons in. In fact, the stupid car may even fit inside it, should it misbehave anymore
xx
Oh don’t get me started on the stupid car! It’s a fuck to be given, I’m avoiding it like a boss atm.
Xxx
Have only the one voice keeping me up – can we swap? I always fancied having a collective consciousness – sort of like the Borg but with better skin. Resistance is Futile.
Your maths are wrong
12 teaspoons – 12 dirty teaspoons = trip to ikea to buy more teaspoons. I have 137 teaspoons. Tomorrow I will have 143.
Oh, and the engine thing sounds like the starter motor
Dx
Hi
*stops pining*
We can swap if you want but you’d be back in a day or so begging me to reconsider and asking for your marbles back.
If it was in any way safe for me to go to Ikea, I’d be there in a heartbeat, stocking up on teaspoons but last time I checked Ikea still had other people in it and was far enough away to inspire that urge to flee on the way there/home. You big show-off with you teaspoon proliferation.
Car’s fucked, want to go all Basil Fawlty on it, secretly want to cry as I have no money and am completely dependent on it. Crying is a dangerous thing though so sticking with no fucks and wine.
Xxx
If it’s any help I do think about you daily but my loquaciousness is in inverse proportion to my current madness setting – have had to shut up as madness was turned up to 11 recently.
Marbles have not been in my possession for some time but you are probably right. Mainly I want to apply the collective consciousness for schoolboy ‘it wasn’t me it was him’ excuses. I guess if it actually was him that would be less cool.
I go at 9.30pm when the only people in there are the dysfunctional (we know the rules and do a good job of pretending the other doesn’t exist) and the straights, who I scare the shit out of cos of my full trampy beard madness ensemble, to the extent that they get out of my way. Plus I know all the short cuts – the hidden doors the staff use. Plus I need teaspoons. Yes I am perversely proud at the level to which my household cleanliness and concomitant spoon collection volume has dropped and rose respectively.
If it is the starter motor it isn’t so bad. I’m not suggesting you do this but at one point I realised I couldn’t keep paying my credit card bills, and also that there is sod all they can do about it so I got a boiler fixed with the card and then wrote them a letter to say ‘I’m broke and mental, can I pay you back a pound a month?’ and they said yes.
I’m reassured by your returned pining and sorry you have the kind of mental that when turned up to 11 is enhanced for everyone, your good self included.
It’s much less cool when it was him or her as you find yourself in all sorts of horrible situations and no idea how you got there. Being grateful for the gifts is one thing but the wounds, not so much.
You have Ikea sussed, I’m impressed, you would be a great chaperone. We all have to accept different levels of cleanliness and spoon volume- it may be the first step to recovery *kills self and you*
I fully intend to take advantage of the mentals should I need to, lets be honest- the actual benefits are few and far between, if getting the fuckers at Barclays to accept a token payment is the best I can do then I’ll do it, it’ll be like a mini-revolution. Y’know, one of those tragic, heart-breaking revolutions.
Xxx
Recovery – pah – who wants to go back to cleanliness, a balanced diet, and some level of enjoyment in life. Wait…Anyway, I blame the conservatives. When in doubt…
Yes, if I am ever up your way we must go to ikea, though I was wondering which one of you I might end up going with – maybe we can go several times to cover everyone.
Barclaycard were weird when I dealt with them but all their verbal gymnastics come to nothing if you just say ‘The CCCS advised me all I can afford to pay is £1′ . Yes to revolution – we shall be known as ‘The Penurists’ – like The Chartists but with greater emphasis on Poundland bargains than suffrage and political reform.
Recovery? They can keep it.
I think multiple trips to Ikea are the solution, we could do it one department at a time.
Poundland bargains and household money-saving tips such as- “don’t wash-up, save on detergent”
We are the future!
Xxx
Hi – despair levels rising, madness on the horizon – need to down periscope for a while. See you around. I will be the one with the spoons.
Dx
Don’t die, I’ll be here when you get back. If it helps, imagine I’m there with my science journals, fuzzy-felts, political rants, crayons and dirty teaspoons.
*pines*
Xxx
You know what I love about your blog, apart from your witty and bold eloquence? It’s the smiley comments and the fact that you always respond to them so generously with thoughtfulness and flair. Oh, and the fact that every blog is a lesson in style and creative content. In today-speak U XL them all UC.
Beexxx
Hai
thnx!
I love the comments as much as all the rest of it, it’s like a little community down here. I love your comments and your appreciation for our multiple blogging styles.
Xxx
just thought id tell you i was going away for a week so you could pine – i’ll be really cross if you dont… okay
*pines*
If you listen carefully you’ll probably be able to hear me.
hope you’re going somewhere nice, though there’s nowhere as nice as the comments section on this blog is there?
Is there?
Don’t die, see you when you get back.
*pines some more*
Xxx
Hi,
Hope you don’t mind the intrusion, just wanted to thank you for a thought provoking and entertaining post. I’d heard it rumoured that yours was one of the best blogs on the internet, and it may be true!
Sending you spoons, or at least images of spoons ( http://www.ikea.com/gb/en/search/?query=teaspoons ) , no fucks at all and many thanks.
x
Hi
these are my favourite teaspoons in the whole world- http://www.ikea.com/gb/en/catalog/products/70014999/ you chose well.
Thanks for reading and commenting, I’m glad I provoked thought and entertained as these are amongst my many aims. I still have no fucks to give but I was able to have yoghurt for breakfast with one of my nice, clean FÖRNUFT teaspoons.
Xxx
But these are dragon spoons… http://www.ikea.com/gb/en/catalog/products/50091762/ …in case you ever changed your likings!
I hope educate is one of those aims too, as your blog is very successful at that.
Glad about the breakfast.
But it’s not clear whether those spoons are made from dragons or are for eating dragons with….?
Oh, I see they’re “coffee spoons” that’s far too prescriptive, Ikea ain’t the boss of me.
Education is at least equally as important as all the other aims *nods*
Xxx
‘Education’, yes, sorry. This is what happens when you have a word count to hit in a day; everything else starts slipping.
I was about to become excited about the dragon eating… but now we’ve been crushed by Ikea’s oppressive rules. They spoil all our fun!
I’m going to say ‘hi’ on twitter, if that is ok?
x
I didn’t even notice!
Ikea are the ultimate buzzkills.
I just said Hi back.
Xxx