Something’s wrong. This is not an unusual state of affairs; in fact something not being wrong would possibly be more unsettling. Initially I didn’t know what was wrong, I didn’t want to know what was wrong- I knew enough to know it wasn’t good.
Something wrong is manifesting in the usual ways- a creeping silence, isolation, the world and everything in it being triggering and super-high functioning. It’s not a return to coping; it’s a very different kind of high-functioning. The only thing that gets the job done better than my amazing powers of dissociation is dissociation with a side-order of denial.
Everybody with DID goes through periods of denial, we’re aided and abetted in our denial by the most of the health ‘professionals’ we have to deal with. Their own anxieties about having to accept what we say, what this might mean and what they should (but don’t) do mean that most of them are only too happy to feed denial. What these ‘professionals’ fail to realise is that for every question they ask about what is real for us, true for us- we ask ourselves a thousand more.
I remained in denial about having DID for a very long time, I clung to it as it felt safer. I hated the pink Post-it with the diagnosis written on it and would often turn it around- only to then find it turned back again. I would cry after every visit from the <?> therapist as she kept coming back. I was angry, depressed, confused and resentful
I’ve stopped being in denial about having DID, after all my multiplicity is as plain as the noses on our faces. By denying I have DID, I was denying I exist and though I know I am just a part of something bigger, that doesn’t make me any less of a person and I do exist. I have thoughts, feelings, ideas and opinions just like you do. All those who denied what was true for me, real for me were stripping the validity away from everything I experienced.
I no longer turn the Post-it around.
I haven’t given up denial completely, I cannot let go of “my history doesn’t fit”. The fact that I can’t actually tell you much about my history is neither here nor there for the purposes of my current argument. My denial serves a purpose, every aspect of DID does, my denial is as protective as my anger, my anxiety, my fear, my humour and my logic.
Denial is very powerful, very persuasive and allows a certain level of disconnect from what may be going on internally. Denial thereby becomes a form of ignorance but it still feels safer. I cannot deny that something’s wrong and that it’s not good.
I know it’s not good as we have the internal ‘meerkat effect’, I know it’s not good as I’m told by others that “something’s wrong; it’s not good”. I know it’s not good as all the signs are there- those precious few hours of sleep at night have become harder to get and are more unsettled. (I’m beginning to hate the word ‘unsettled’ it sounds so benign, so trite considering what I’m using it to describe. I think my continued use of it may be indicative of my denial; with denial comes minimisation). Sleep has once again become something unsafe, something to be feared. So it is to my surprise and confusion that the way the current state of affairs is being dealt with is by sleeping during the day.
Sleep during the day is, if anything, even more unsettling than sleep at night- there’s that word again ‘unsettling’ perhaps I’m being diplomatic too? Perhaps I just don’t want to complain? There’s a period of unjustified disbelief upon wakening from the daytime naps at just how dreadful the whole experience was but it happens every single day. The naps seem unavoidable, physical exhaustion is overwhelming at the moment- another good sign that something’s wrong but it’s more than tiredness that drives the need to nap. If we’re asleep- even just one of us -as if often the way, we tend to take it in turns, then nobody can say anything [externally, these naps are very busy on the head noise front] if we’re asleep then we’re hiding, from the outside and the inside- sleep is another form of escape, another way to run-away.
I know I can’t run-away in the way I’d like to, I know that anywhere I run, the people I share my mind/life/body with would come too. I want to run away from what’s wrong as it’s too horrible, painful and terrifying to face, my denial has been challenged in a way I don’t think I can argue with.
It hurts.
I know I’m taking advantage of the strength of my denial and the ability it has to quash what may be going on internally and I know I won’t get away with it forever. For now though, it works and until someone comes up with a better idea then I’ll continue.
Something can’t be wrong if nothing’s wrong.
So many times I will say my history doesn’t fit. “But you don’t remember before age 10″ my therapist will say. “So?” I say “It doesn’t fit I know that much”. I hate the therapist sessions/days where it is ALL about denial. Hope you’re feeling better soon x
Hi
this is hard, replying to comments on what are “guest posts”! Between us we can probably summon up about 3 years in total, beyond that the rest is a blur, we don’t know enough about our history to know- but as we’re DID the present has many ways to give us clues huh?
I’m ok, denial is less of a problem for me but the past few days have been tough and I’ve been quiet as a result. You know how it is.
Xxx
I find a low level of dread which only multiplies is the corner stone of DID. I hate the “there is most defintly something wrong, but no idea what” feel you describe. Not very helpful I know but a firm life is a fducking cunt with DID reply. Lovce you. Have baby meerkats in a bowl http://cheezburger.com/6327643136
Hi you(s)
it is uncomfortable that “something’s wrong” isn’t it? Sometimes though, finding out what it is can be worse. Yep, life with DID can be a fucking cunt.
Those meerkats are adorable, like a bowl of very cute cereal- only crunchier probably.
Love you too
Xxx
Morning Zoe
You’ve got all kinds of thoughts this morning. It got me to thinking of something I’d just read where dissociation is a defense mechanism – maybe to help us avoid trauma. It seems then that if you are thinking sleep is running away – then I’m wondering if you are trying to stay awake – to defend yourselves by “standing tall” rather than thinking you are in denial. Someone is paying attention though maybe hyperalert? Last week, we had a flashback and that part being out was repeated in the T-session last night. Basically, it was a young part watching over two infant/toddler parts … she waited at the door listening and trying to assure herself of safety … probably a little OCD in trying to figure out how to best protect in an unprotect-able situation.
We worked first on telling the intruder NO, he couldn’t come in because “Dr. Marvin said so!” And, then this week we helped Anna slide a big wooden bar over the door which only opened from the inside.
I don’t know much between difference of defend, denial, or defense, but we’re thinking that if someone is up they are there somehow “in their thinking” trying to be helping your “system-family” because they care. Values of good, bad, right, wrong … I don’t know that all seems wrapped up in some kind of moral/judgmental dilemma which might be an over-achieving sense of simplifying? Don’t know. I can see your frustration from losing sound night time sleep. I hope you can all find safety from whichever trauma or re-traumatization you might be facing right now – if this were to be the case. Try not to be too critical of selves as ignorant – could be lack of memory, lack of awareness, shock, etc? Sometimes, things just need time
Just our thoughts – always our best,
Anns
Just thinking … maybe denial not comprehending which reality is real? What is the “meerkat effect?”
Hi
there’s always someone looking out for us and this often manifests as crappy sleep. I didn’t write this post (replying to comments is one of my jobs) but I do understand where the author is coming from and I know why- I too know what’s “wrong”. We’re multiple though so can probably sit on it/deal with it until we see the therapist again.
The meerkat effect is when everybody inside is like this
it’s a cuter way of saying hypervigilant!
Xxx
Life has been, how can I say it? Hmm a tad unsettled recently??? (understatement I know). I hope that once the schools unlock their doors, and routine becomes the norm again, you will all start to settle and the therapist can get things progressing in the right direction again.
Miss you all when the silences take over. But always here if/when you can sneak out for a sec.
I know you all hurt, but I do appreciateI will NEVER truly understand how badly. Iif it gives any comfort at all, you are loved and appreciated for being Youz …..
xxxxx
Hi Dawn
I’m sneaking out to moderate comments and commence pining for you as you’re going on holiday today- I know as it’s written on a Post-it!
I know what’s wrong and I understand why the author of the post is so upset but it was bound to happen at some point, I accepted that but as you know, we’re often not all on the same page.
We’re often not all in the same book!
It’ll be ok, life continues and we’ll get through it but it is very painful.
Thanks for the love, I’ll need it to sustain me whilst you’re in Turkey.
*pines pre-emptively*
Xxx