I can’t see properly- sometimes. I used to wear glasses to correct astigmatism; sometime in 2010 I stopped wearing glasses and also became the “first person the optician had ever met in his career who has spontaneously cured their own astigmatism.” I spend an inordinate amount of time squinting, reading through one eye or just not being able to see very far or very well.
I’m allergic to lilies- sometimes. I often ‘forget’ and buy them anyway, I then find myself wondering why my face is swollen and I’m wheezing a couple of days after bringing them into the house. I’m also allergic to kiwi-fruit, bananas, latex, rats, lanolin and pineapple- sometimes. I err on the side of caution and assume that I have the potential to be allergic to anything so always keep a supply of anti-histamines in the house. Using products from Lush in the bath is like playing anaphylaxis roulette.
I have terrible eczema- sometimes. My eczema has defied explanation at various stages over the years, it appeared to be linked to hormones for a while- but then it wasn’t. It appeared to be due to allergies for a while but then it wasn’t. Some of the vast array of treatments I have been prescribed worked- sometimes.
I found out in August 2011 that I have curly hair- very curly hair- sometimes. I mentioned this to someone involved in my ‘care’ at the time; she asked if I simply hadn’t noticed I had curly hair- for 36 years- as I straightened it. I’m not sure when GHD’s were invented and I know my recall of anytime previous to right now, right this minute can sometimes be sketchy but I’m pretty sure the explanation is not that straightforward.
I can explain all of these physiological anomalies in a very straightforward way- I have enough system knowledge to tell you which parts have bad eyesight, which parts are allergic to lilies, which parts have eczema, which parts have curly hair- but I’m not going to.
What I can’t explain is why and that frustrates me. I am a logical person, I like cold, hard, quantifiable facts- this makes me curious, analytical and sceptical. The physiological anomalies of dissociative identity disorder really challenge me. I’ve looked for information, I’ve found a lot of fellow DIDers sharing similar experiences but I’ve found very little science to back it all up. I like science.
I’m tormented by my natural, logical nature as I know on one hand I can explain the weird things in terms of ‘who has what’ but I also know, that even though it doesn’t feel like it and even though I would argue it wasn’t the case 90% of the time- there is only one of me and I only have one body.
The weird things are also difficult to talk about and I’m very reluctant to offer anything regarded as ‘fanciful’ that will add fuel to the ‘does DID exist’ fire. I would never have believed any of these things either- until they happened to me. Those of you who have been reading for a number of years and indeed those of you who read who have known me in real life will know I have no reason to lie.
I am forced to simply accept the physical changes between identity states in dissociative identity disorder just ‘are’. I have trawled the internet for information and found very little, partly as I’m constrained by Google scholar and have no journal subscriptions so am reduced to reading abstracts which perhaps pick up on one key word in my search. I have other theories as to why there’s very little research into this fascinating aspect of DID. I can’t imagine that many of us would make very willing test subjects, we’re all different but our general aversions to being asked questions and the medical profession probably makes us poor participants in research. There are no drugs to treat DID, in the absence of big-pharma being interested there are very few revenue streams for funding research. What research there is tends to be on the physiological changes associated with trauma or differences in memory between identity states. I read a lot, I’m an information junkie, for the longest time this was done in a tireless pursuit to somehow ‘prove’ to myself I didn’t have DID- I never found what I was looking for.
Writing this is difficult, not least as I can’t see very well. The obvious answer is to go to the optician and have my eyes tested but for the time being that is impossible. Eye-tests involve close proximity to another person, being in darkness, extended periods of eye-contact and being touched- it’s far too triggering. Besides how would I ever find an optician willing to accept that I might need glasses- sometimes and that indeed I might need three different prescriptions- sometimes.
I’m fascinated by myself and by DID, in many ways I’ve fulfilled one of my dreams by finding something that can hold my interest and satisfy my pursuit of knowledge. Right now I’d settle for knowing why DID is so physically exhausting as it’s only just past 8am and I’m so tired I could cry.
I do cry- sometimes.
Have you chanced upon Carolyn Bramhall’s book “Am I A Good Girl Yet?” She had exactly the same experience as you describe in relation to differing eye care requirements. If I recall correctly, she met an optician who welcomed her back as he was fascinated by how her eyes could change. She never went back.
Hi LF
haven’t read it, tend to avoid DID biogs as they are very triggering. Funny that she found someone but never went back! That fascination from within is ok, others being fascinated can be very unsettling so I understand. It’s more of a conundrum than a problem and we can work round it but it is something I’d like to address one day.
Xxx
Amazon.co.uk is lethal. I have just ordered that book in a matter of a few clicks….. I can understand how it can be triggering but personally, I eat these books for breakfast. Thanks LF for spreading the word about it! x
Hahahaha! Amazon is where we buy all our stuff- you’d be surprised how easy one-click ordering is! Hope you like the book.
Xxx
I am fascinated by you, too. I had never heard of DID before I ‘met’ you. When I started to discover more I was initially directed to Didier Drogba. I came across a site with a name I liked – First Person Plural – but there’s no science there. Did you see this student paper? It also questions the paucity of research on DID. and has links to other cognition blogs that could be interesting. But I’m sure you know more than all of this. Do you sometimes wish your ‘sometimes’ were ‘always’? Sometimes I wish my hair was always straight.
Here’s a hug.
http://cogphil.blogspot.co.uk/2010/07/why-dissociative-identity-disorder-does.html
Hi
interesting article and raises many things, will peruse it all at my leisure. I don’t know if I do wish I was sometimes always- but I know others do! Stay fascinated.
My hair is curly- I feel your pain!
thanks for the hug.
Xxx
Do you know @shiv379? He’s studying psychology and might be able to get you past the abstracts of some of those journal articles.
xxx
Hi Narky
no I don’t, I will perhaps befriend him to further my aims.
Xxx
LOL. sorry to interject here too but shiv379 is my partner. I will let him know you’re going to be hunting him out perhaps Zoe :p x
Hi
wow it’s a small world! I think I have established another source for my journal requirements so you cab tell him to stand-down.
Xxx
I did know that but weirdly didn’t want to say it just in case I was wrong!
The eyesight one, is something that interested me, when I happened to watch a documentary on DID on youtube, there was a lady who needed glasses, but when she switched, the alter not only didn’t, but couldn’t see through them. As to me, that would suggest that eyesight is more than the physical structure of the eye, maybe something to do with the processing of the image by the mind? (I’ve become quite obsessed with the concept of vision, due to the fear of losing my own).
But that doesn’t really explain, satisfactorily all the other anomalies. It must be frustrating, to not know why. Maybe someday, these things will be better understood. I think DID research is a lot behind even other mental health diagnoses, but then I’m not even sure how you’d begin to research such anomalies…
Take care,
Eliana
Hi
I think eyesight can be explained by difference in processing- but why are those differences in processing present and why are they so clearly defined and separate depending on which part is present? I’d love answers, particularly as so many people question these kinds of things.
DID research is way behind, I’d love to think it will catch up but I’m not confident and as you say- just how on earth would you research it anyway?
Thanks for commenting
Xxx
Well yes, good to be fascinating: who’d want to be dull?!
I imagine you’re tired because you all share a body and so while the minds of parts can individually tune out & rest, the body has to keep pace with all and so doesn’t get as much opportunity to recuperate.
What you have pinpointed, however, is the very thing which funding could provide for you: journal subscriptions!! In an effort to work towards an equilibrium for you, which I think is what you’re looking for – long term coping – then pertinent knowledge accumulation is probably your best route.
Hope you’re not to blind / sneezy / scratchy / headachey
Ahem – premature send AND bad spelling!!
Hope you’re not too blind / sneezy / scratchy / headachey today. xxxxx
I never even noticed!
None of the above today- right now, right this minute!
Xxx
Hi Shel
way better than being dull.
The tiredness is a killer, I’d never have believed using mental energy could have such an effect. I agree that journals on prescription would only be fair but alas given I can’t access even very basic services, I think that may be a pipe-dream.
We’re fortunate in that we can accumulate knowledge as we work toward long term coping, multi-tasking is one of our strengths!
Xxx
Fascinating but, indeed, weird. I guess some physiological changes are inevitable due to the nature of the brains relationship with the skin, hence excema & skin sensitive allergic reactions. The skin itself is an amazing organ. My excema is unpredictable, even when I ‘do all the right things’ but is definitely linked to stress, foods & harsh treatment from too much washing. My IBS is also unpredictable but when anxiety related the pain is not simply in my head, my abdomin is rigid & I look pregnant. I have eaten none of the wrong foods, it is extreme anxiety that triggers it. It is all intrinsically linked.
I would surmise (somewhat lacking in science here) that changes in the brain (specifically the different parts actively being used) could easily interefere with interpretation of information from the retina & therefore sight changes can be attributed to DID. Why? I guess science has a lot to learn. I hope there are scientists who will try.
As for the hair. At a loss. Pregnancy has made mine change. Hormones do it but it takes time.
I would happily award a knighthood to the developer of GHD’s…
Xx
Hi
the part who wrote that post would love your comment as you offer a few possible explanations that are far less challenging than the truth! I tend to be much more accepting of the ‘weird’ things and if I’m honest, much less driven to find out why- for me [curly hair, perfect eyesight, mild eczema, allergic to most things, right handed] it just is.
I think the reason I’d like the why’s to be looked into is that it would signify an equality for us but it takes a bold psychiatrist to diagnose DID- yes even now so I think mainstream research is a long way off.
GHD’s are the best aren’t they? I’d happily starve to replace them if necessary!
Xxx
Right on. I have accommodative eye spasms that the optician said : is constant. NExt time I had an appointment the optician said: no you don’t. Now I’m sitting here FEELING the spasms. I also have eye colour changes. I wouldn’t have believed what is possible in DID physiology if it wasn’t happening to me. x
Hi
one of us is ‘taller’ and the therapist can tell the difference between some parts as they look different. It just is huh? not sure if we have eye colour changes and not sure if switching in front of a mirror is something that would have us all in meltdown mode- probably.
I didn’t write this post, it’s very cagey, I tend to be much more upfront and accepting of the so-called ‘weird’ stuff.
I’m also fascinated that the author claims to know ‘who has what’ as I don’t.
Xxx
I find it quite uncanny how my therapist can tell when one little switches into another. I mean they are both little’s.. they both act little. How does she know they’ve switched places?! But I’ve never seen myself switch and like you say, setting it up so i switch in front of a mirror or a camera is all a bit odd… maybe one day I will face it? xx
Hi
I find it very reassuring to know that the therapist will say “you look different” or know straight away when she’s meeting someone for the first time- before they even speak. If she carries on like this then one day she might even get to meet a child-part but I suspect it’ll be a very long time before that happens!
Not sure how I feel about seeing a switch on video- never even thought about it until you mentioned it….
mind=blown
Eeh, we are weird aren’t we?
Xxx
oo, the eyesight thing is interesting. My eyesight changes a lot too. I generally am short-sighted and have an astigmatism, but my eyes also wander and seem to change a lot throughout the day. The optician this week was confused by me – we had a discussion about whether it was my eyes or my brain that was changing the way I process my sight. We think a combination of medication, mental-ness and dodgy eyesight all interact to result in ever changing eye sight and over-work for my brain. She said ideally I’d probably need a different prescription every day, but obviously that’s not practical! Hoping my new glasses will be an improvement on the current ones though.
Wow, long time no hear, good to see you.
We’re all a bit wonky huh? I know why and could explain it to the optician but I suspect he/she would have a little trouble accepting the answers. Until then we’ll go with intermittent squinting and only allowing those with decent depth perception to drive.
I hope you’re well or at least ok.
Xxx