Yesterday, a week later than expected due to a communication failure between mental health professionals from NHS Fife and Fife council I had the social work assessment I talked about in this post.
It didn’t go well.
It didn’t even go ok.
It didn’t even go badly.
The assessment was a hideous ordeal and has left me in a terrible, scary place today.
The assessment was so triggering I have very little memory of it, I switched so often that I repeatedly found myself dropped into conversation with no idea what had been said previous to my arrival but with full awareness of the damage that had been done.
The social worker clearly hadn’t read so much as a pamphlet on DID, in fact I suspect she may have read “how not to speak to people with DID” a special publication available only to mental health professionals.
It’s too painful to think about, to talk about.
I’m so frustrated at the continued failure of people to understand DID, to understand me. Yesterday I tried various friendly analogies to help
“imagine living in a house with several other people, they all think differently, want different things, react differently- you can never leave the house”
“just say I had 10 ‘parts’ then imagine each of those ‘parts’ has 10 triggers- but it’s more than 10”
She didn’t get it.
I’m not asking for the world to change to accommodate me, all I ask is that my needs are recognised and respected. All I want is to not be damaged by those who should be helping me.
I’m in agony today- all kinds and all those little signs of decline are there- the social worker should come back today as it’s all a bit more tangible and obvious- she might get it. Head noise is loud and often spilling out, internal communication is becoming externalised- I’m having conversations with myself. There’s a problem with the Tweetdeck desktop app but I can’t define it, can’t articulate it let alone fix it. I’m trembling, tearful, and confused. I feel vulnerable, afraid and alone.
I’m relying on friends- friends who do get it, friends who know that should the misery and pain spill out into our conversations that the best thing to do is make me laugh. If we set aside the tragedy that is a person so badly damaged it’s not even safe for them to feel good emotions, friends who know that the best response to a Facebook status that says “ouch” is *kicks you in the face* are providing life-support.
These friends do get it, not because they all have DID, not because they’re all mental- because they know me and because they care.
I’m short of words.
The conclusion of the assessment is that there are no services to meet my needs- the social worker knew this before she started it. I went through that for nothing; I put myself through that for nothing. As the Fantastic CPN pointed out afterwards
“I know it was dreadful but you did ask for it”
Helpful.
As the great philosopher Damien Kulash says
Needing is one thing and getting, getting’s another.
Not so much a kick in the face, but I did just walk into a lamppost (?sp) whilst reading your post.
I’m sorry you’re still having to fight to get the help/services you deserve, and I’m sorry that 95% of the MH profession that are supposed to help you are all cunts.
Nothing else to say really
E xxx
Hi E
well-placed cunt, thank you. Stop walking into things.
Xxx
Really feel for you today. I can’t pretend to understand much about DID myself, but I know that when our needs aren’t met or even understood by the very people who are supposed to have the best knowledge of these things it can feel hopeless & scary & very very frustrating. That’s my experience of Mental Health professionals so far. I’m glad though that you have those firends there – utilise them. (Not in any kind of perverse way, unless that would help!). Wishing you all the best. x
Hi
I don’t know why I expected anything less, it’s not even not knowing about DID that’s the problem, it’s not knowing about people. I’m utilising my friends- they’re all virtual so perversion is tricky anyway.
Xxx
About bloody time they created some then…..
Feel like kicking THEM in the face ….
When do basic “human rights” come in to play?
Plenty money spent on idiots not being able to wear jewellery etc as it is against their human rights…boohooo
This country is going to the dogs and the real people are being completely ignored.
Makes my blood boil…..
xxxxx
Hi Dawn
you should’ve been here yesterday and I would have allowed you to kick her in the face.
Their budgets are not my concern or problem but because of my ‘history’ they always have those conversations with me “you know what local authority budgets are like…..since the council tax freeze…yadda yadda”
I’m not that person anymore, I couldn’t give a fuck.
Xxx
((((((((((((((((((((((((zoesmith))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((((((not the wrestler)))))))))))))))))))))))
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!
You made me laugh.
SHE’S A WEIGHTLIFTER!
Virtual cuddles lapped-up, thank you.
Xxx
haha! told you my memory was shocking – remembering all the kids names has been a challenge today!
glad i made you laugh
xxxxx
You need to give them pet names- lots of pet names. The children rarely get called by their actual names in this house but we have a vast array of labels for them, sounds affectionate and is a good cover.
Today’s top mental tip.
Why aren’t you on twitter? I really want you there, want to add you to my collection.
Xxx
dont think ive ever considered myself collectable- i wouldnt make a v gd collection as there is only one – but that makes me rare so maybe you’d get more points for me (ive been exposed to too much moshi monsters recently)
im not on twitter as last time i tried i got YAWN bored of people showing off how amazingly witty they could be in 144 (i think) characters – or maybe i was just jealous cos i need AT LEAST 2 paragraphs to get to a funny…
Hi
you would come with extra points then, a very valuable addition, other people would want to swap their rubbish ones for you. I would be able to parade you around twitter- it would be a bit like owning the football.
You don’t have to be amazingly witty (and it’s 140 characters or fewer) you can also be whingey, boring, ragey and dull- as I demonstrate daily. I’ll just have to settle for having you here then.
Xxx
HAHAHAHAHAHA! you make me laugh too – you are one of my new fav online obsessions
one day im gonna be brave enough to ask you what your DID-dar says about me, but not today, today i am too sad (2 kids went to dads for 10 whole days)
*sulks*
Hi
glad I make you laugh and everybody needs an internet obsession. My DID-dar may not be able to gather enough information if I only have you in one place but I’m willing to give it a try one day.
Sorry you’re sad, I’d be horribly torn between “sad” and “woohoo! Child-free [externally]” in that situation
Stop sulking!
Xxx
Oh that must have been shitty for you. More than shitty. Anybody who does this kind of assessment should have the sense to discover more about you and DID before they visit. And here it is…all in one fantastic blog. Your page on ‘Think you might be multiple?’ is a fantastic source of information. But, from what I have seen recently on Panorama, assessments and assessors are dangerous. Can you put a notice on your door – ‘No entry unless you’ve read my blog’? Sending love and a huge hug.
Hi
it was beyond shitty, I was going to put that notice on the door but have decided to put one that says “FUCK OFF CUNTS” on it instead.
Love and hug appreciated.
Xxx
I am sorry Zoe, I’m hearing this more and more..
Hi J
we never get enured to this, no matter how often it happens. All those ‘professionals’ who demand of us
“we’re you abused as a child?”
“show me your arms”
etc.
Nothing changes.
Xxx
PS- it’s ok though as the SW phoned the CPN to say she “felt really bad, like she’d abused you”
Cunts
At the end of my one and only meeting with my community mental health social worker he shook me by the hand, said ‘good luck’ and was never seen again. I believe this is their standard method of intervention. Occasionally that group/team ring me, despite me saying I never, NEVER answer the phone. So they now have their own ring tone:
♫ The cunts are ringing, The cunts are ringing, THEY’RE ALL CUNTS! ♫
Even if they never ring I highly recommend recording the ring tone.
Hi
I love that ring tone it’s funny cos it’s true!
Cunts.
Xxx
I hate the way this gov’t is devaluing professional training but yeah … sadly … going-through-the-motions-you-must-fit-in-with-our-system cunts. Lonely cunts. My current gp and ex-therapist are both on guardian soulmates. I live alone ‘cos I’m anti-social and mental – they have no such excuse. Therefore I win.
I hate the way so-called professionals devalue their own professions, they’re all gutless and use the shitty systems they represent as an excuse.Anti-social and mental is the way to be- no expectations.
you win.
Xxx
Admittedly they have probably washed and changed their clothes in the last few days and are don’t cry themselves to sleep each night but I still win ‘cos …. …. oh.
They may well have done but think of the life experience they’re missing out on…..or something…..
*sends tissues*
Xxx
Me Me Me. Have I mentioned Me? Enough with the blog squatting. Hope tomorrow is better. It sometimes is.
You, you, you. I like your blog squatting. It’s tomorrow, there was no obvious break from today/yesterday so it’s not the best start. It can only improve…or be completely shit.
Xxx
I was in Scotland last week and it was very nice apart from the annoying bitey things that seem to serve no purpose and leave you feeling uncomfortable in your own skin for days afterwards. There is probably a sophisticated linguistic punchline in there somewhere … cunts.
I forgot the obvious ‘I win’ benefits – chocolate for supper and pizza for breakfast – hurrah for the the mental diet. Today is looking to be shit here so I’d best get on with the self loathing and the scratching.
Dx
Ah, midgies imitating mental. Cunts.
Think we skipped a day, I’ll ignore it as usual. Cheese and pickle for dinner here last night, cheese, pickle and Stella.
It’s Sunday, the day of rest so go easy on the self-loathing and scratching, in fact skip the self-loathing, I’ll do it for you.
*loathes you*
Xxx
It is nice of you to offer but I operate on the assumption that I am loathsome to others anyway … as the internet kids would say ‘meh’. All of you have as nice a sunday as possible.
*goes back to being a curled up ball of despair in bed*
*stands beside your bed talking at you about dormice, pirate beards, coffee torture machines and kittens*
Xxx
Ouch! Thinking this had to have been the lousiest of experiences. We have a general term we use under these kinds of occurrences. We just call them idiots. It carries a lot of weight in our system and helps us de-qualify their significance, because after all they can’t help themselves. They are just poor idiots!
Our best to you on your journeys,
Anns
Hi
she was an idiot but she was an idiot who demanded we ‘unpack’ ourselves then fucked-off leaving us all lying out and hurting. We have to try and pack everyone up again and she just carries on. We’ll cope, it’s what we do best.
Thanks for commenting, nice to meet you.
Xxx
Likewise! It’s nice to meet you too!
Anns
*kicks you in the face* *pushes you over* * beats you in to submission with walking stick* (falls over) *makes you watch inspiring Olympic athletes on the newly fixed telly*
All better.
Oh, and like/don’t like. xxx
Hi
thanks for the assault, I am inspired by the athletes as it happens, inspired to be even more resentful than I was already- we aren’t even eligible for the paralympics.
*awards you gold medal for co-morbidity*
Xxx
I love that one of your tags is “cunts”. A very worthwhile tag I believe considering the topic. I’m sorry you have been so fantastically let down. We need to invent a : live as me day and let them see how they’d fare! x
Hi
a very well deserved tag, traumatised by services yet again. I’d love to make some of them live a day as a DIDer, in fact all of them.
Xxx