Mental Political Parent

I am leading a double life; I feel the need to come clean as the guilt is weighing me down and I live in fear of being found out, being revealed.

This is Zoë Smith, 18 years old, Commonwealth Games Bronze medal winner, weightlifter, Olympian and British clean and jerk record holder- I know this as she has a Wikipedia page.

Zoe Smith

This is Zoë Smith, 37 years old, Press & Journal schools debating competition certificate of distinction winner, Mentalist and holder of no British records for anything- she doesn’t have a Wikipedia page.

Zoe Smith

During the run-up to the Olympics [am I allowed to say that here? Going to anyway] I began receiving the odd tweet wishing me luck and several bizarre follow requests. I say bizarre, they were probably quite normal but bizarre for me- gyms, sportswear manufacturers, weightlifters, people who use txt spk in their twitter bios- that kind of thing.

This is my twitter bio, I change it frequently but the theme is generally the same and I have never mentioned a fondness for exercise, sportswear or weightlifting in it.

I have been to a gym- several times, but true to form and in-keeping with the total cliché I am, going to a gym becomes nothing less than a public form of self-harm. I tend to avoid it these days. I despise sportswear, the only thing it’s got going for it is it’s likeness to pyjamas- even then, I’d rather wear pyjamas. I do lift weights from time to time- I’m not sure how much a glass of wine weighs but I do spend a lot of time ‘training’, it’s a rigorous regime but I’m dedicated.

Just to be clear- I have checked several times that the two Zoë’s are in fact completely different people, being a multiple I can never be sure but I can confirm, they are. I am many things but a teenage, Olympic weightlifter isn’t one of them.

Since the Olympics began the tweets have continued to come in- all of them supportive, which makes me feel a little guilty as I know my namesake has had a bit of a hard time on twitter- see here.

I think this one; from my ‘newest fan’ is my favourite

It’s very rare for me to be praised on twitter for my physical appearance and now I know why- I’m surrounded by ‘douche bags’. Well as they say, haters gonna hate. If some complete stranger who clearly can’t read thinks I’m beautiful (muscles and all) then I’ll take it.

I’m not entirely sure what this one means, I’m not sure it’s in English and I wonder if the author knows he had 128 characters left- I’m sure he could’ve managed something a little better.

This one was also from a fan with one of the dreaded animated avatars, this appears to be a new thing on twitter, popular amongst a certain group but guaranteed to rule you out of the potential follow list for me. I have enough trouble trying to keep up with the avatar changes of people I know (my fluid sense of identity extends to others) without having to be assaulted by flashing, twirling pictures in my timeline.

My sense of national identity is as fluid as everything else. I go on a lot about not being Scottish enough- anyone who witnessed my near-death by tablet on twitter will know I lack the metabolism. I am Scottish, born and bred but it’s as meaningless to me as all the other person descriptors. If pushed; on a form, I’ll tick ‘British’ unless there’s the potential to annoy someone by ticking ‘European’ in which case I’d tend to go for that. I’ve received many tweets like this-

My history immediately led me to think I was doing ‘it’ for Gordon Brown but those days are long gone. I’m doing it for Great Britain, it works, the sender clearly believes in me, she even added a <3 I may not feel great or British but if some complete stranger in the internet believes in me enough to put an extra ‘u’ on the end of ‘you’ and send me a <3 then I’ll carry on.

I’ve attracted many new # tags

During my selves-imposed silence this week, I missed the # tag #GoZoe trending in the UK. That moment will never come again- perhaps until calls for my extradition begin….

Every day I receive new follow requests that are clearly for the other Zoë Smith; I can tell when she’s been on TV as I get a flurry. I have considered doing the right thing and changing my bio to redirect fans, even putting a link to the other Zoë Smith’s twitter account (here for anyone of a weightlifty disposition ZoePabloSmith) but I’m having far too much fun and it’s all too funny.

I love to laugh, I love to make other people laugh and my life is generally a bit shit so I need all the laughs I can get.

Just to be clear

I’M NOT THAT ZOE SMITH!

I’m not even this one…..