I need to buy and fit two doors. Why I need to do this is not important and indeed I’ve decided why the two doors are missing in the first place is not important either- purely as cover for the fact I have absolutely no idea. I suspect they were victims of a period of home-improvement cruelly disrupted by the arrival of mentalism.
The smallest house in the world is one of the more obvious casualties of my descent into mentalism. It was never palatial, always in a constant state of “being done” but now it’s verging on barely habitable. I could list the problems but it’d be very depressing so I’m not going to. These days I just turn the music up so I don’t have to listen to the malevolent drip, drip, drip that comes from the dodgy plumbing in the bathroom and if nothing else the resident slugs provide material for humours tweets.
Replacing the doors presents multiple challenges- some are obvious and certainly not unique to mentalism.
B&Q won’t deliver them; they won’t fit in the stupid car.
I’m quite proficient in DIY but don’t think I’ve fitted new doors before so may have to upskill myself.
The smallest house in the world has the most awkwardly sized doorways, any doors would have to be cut in order to fit; this would have to be done in the garden and as everyone knows it’s monsoon season in the UK.
I was assured by the <?> therapist at some point in June that I have
“Solutions not Problems”
She’s right, though also sailing dangerously close to wanky platitude territory and everyone knows how much I love wanky platitudes-except perhaps the <?> therapist….? I’m sure she’ll be told at some point, no doubt when she crosses the line from “wise words” to “wanky platitude”.
I do have solutions to all the above problems-
I can drive; I could hire a van.
I’m literate; I could learn how to fit doors.
The house is complete shit-tip, who am I trying to kid that it would look any worse with a few piles of sawdust here and there?
I could do all of these things- in theory.
Truthfully, at the moment I couldn’t do any of them. I’m not lazy or helpless, far from it, but I am broken, malfunctioning.
Hiring a van would inevitably involve making a phonecall. Brief outgoing calls I can do- with a lot of planning and if there’s no risk that the call won’t go as predicted. I’m so easily triggered that switching is still random and chaotic, I recently had to phone the lovely people at DWP as there had been a mix-up with my DLA, it was all their fault, they had made a major error- an error that had stopped my payments for months. I called them to ask them to fix it and generally have a well-justified rant, the call started well but the call handler was unusually and unexpectedly apologetic and sympathetic so I found myself on the phone mid-conversation with no memory of what had been said and indeed not really sure why I was calling in the first place. I can’t imagine many van hire companies would be keen to enter into a contract with a woman who forgets who she is and why she’s calling.
I am a gung-ho DIYer I generally believe no home-improvement task is beyond me. In the past I have hung wallpaper, laid carpets, painted, tiled, rewired, installed, plumbed, repaired and replaced usually with satisfactory results. I’m not perfect but also not easily phased or defeated. Or at least I was. These days I’d be lucky to get as far as getting my toolbox out before forgetting what I was going to do, forgetting how to do it, not wanting to do it, engaging in a random bout of sobbing for reasons unknown or doing something completely different instead.
I have considered getting “a man in” to sort the doors and instantly dismissed it. Few situations are as obviously triggering as having an unknown male in the house, for an indeterminate period of time. Real people still make me mental; any face-to-face interaction that lasts longer than 15 minutes brings on the “personality wheel of fortune” effect, whilst most switches are subtle and only obvious to the trained eye, some aren’t so it’s a risk not worth taking. Encounters with real people still leave me confused and amnesic, their words, movements in fact their mere presence is just one trigger after another.
So I won’t be replacing those doors any time soon.
I’m frustrated that there are so many obvious signs that I’m losing the life/mental balance, particularly as I’m not, I’m winning. My victories may be small, almost imperceptible and as I tend not to talk about them in detail outside therapy nobody knows about them but they are there.
I may have no living room door but I do have a “safe place” in my head, a safe place I built somewhat hurriedly on Tuesday morning after a night of terror that had the potential to send me hurtling into another crisis. I needed to build the safe place in order to deal with the issue that had caused the night of terror in the first place. On Tuesday morning; with assistance via text from the <?> therapist I achieved something immense, something amazing and the crisis was averted.
Therapy for DID is different, I don’t talk about it much, friends often ask how it’s gone and my honest reply is often “I don’t know as I didn’t go”, very few friends know how to follow this up and I understand that. Achievements made in or as a result of therapy are often difficult to describe, I’m never going to be able to say “it was great, we talked about my anxiety, I went to Tesco and felt fine” it just doesn’t work like that. It does work though, it may work very slowly, it may work in a way that nobody other than myselves and the <?> therapist know about, but it works. It works for many reasons, not least because I put the effort in, again I don’t talk about it much but internal work is almost constant, it’s often very difficult but I don’t shy away from it.
So there may be three days worth of washing-up in the kitchen and the amount of cat hair on the living room carpet is such that very soon I shall be able to simply roll it up and discard it (I have multiple cats), I may end up going to Tesco later and buying the usual random, eclectic selection of goods in my usual fear-driven haze and still have nothing in for dinner. I may never replace those doors; the bathroom floor may well rot away completely and slugs may eat my eyes out of their sockets whilst I sleep. I don’t doubt that the external effects of mentalism will continue to frustrate and upset me but I have work to do.
It’s swings and roundabouts.
I love swings and roundabouts- especially swings.
Zoe, I think the safe place in your head is way more important than the doors. And you are winning, it’s the wee battles that are bigger just now – and the house can wait. You’re more important. And sounds like the therapy is doing the deal.
You’re an amazing woman and am very proud of you – hang on in there xx
Hi
you’re right, the safe place is more important and the house can wait. The therapy is doing the deal and more importantly it is a deal, it’s not something that’s being done *to* me, we’re a great team.
Thanks, I’m a bit proud of me too.
Xxx
Onwards and upwards – or backwards & forwards, or round & round
)
I think you’re right to not put ‘get doors sorted’ at the top of your list: your house needs to be safe, that’s all. That said, would it be easier on you to ‘get a woman in’? I’m certain there will be such a person.
Big hugs xxxx
Hi Shel
onwards, upwards, backwards, forwards, sideways and round and round but at least I’m moving now.
A woman to get in would be easier, there’s a real niche in the market for handywomen able to meet the needs of the traumatised but then we all know what the natural conclusion of that train of thought is! Not much hope of a handywoman up to the job when the vast majority of the mental health profession aren’t.
Thanks for the hugs, as it’s you, I won’t fight you off.
Xxx
I love swings too :O)
The strides you have and are taking are extraordinary.
Ok, the doors are missing and the tap is dripping, but the internal ‘safe’ is becoming stronger, and right now, that is THE most important thing.
Girl doing good :O)
Now get on the swing and I’ll give you a push xxxx
Hi Dawn
what a beautifully crafted comment and all of it true too. Wish I’d known you were a fan of the swings and willing to push, we could’ve skipped lunch that day, gone to Camperdown and you could’ve met even more members of our family!
Next time, I won’t forget.
Xxx
Neither will I :O) yipee
It does sound as if you are making progress. Well done. I’ve no personal knowledge of DID, but I do wonder if, when you have to make a difficult phone call, writing the main points of who you are calling, why and any details , put in the same place every time, could help if you did experience a switch mid-call? Well done for the work you are putting in.
Hi
I am making progress and it feels really good. Phonecalls are a minefield, even those that are carefully scripted and planned can go awry but I have no doubt I’ll keep trying and I’ll get there one day.
Thank you
Xxx
With you on this one. DIY outdoors can wait. Sounds like you’ve been doing some important and exhausting DIY in the internal world. That’s enough to put anyone’s back out for a bit. Take care x
Hi
you’re right and you know how important the internal DIY is *whispers* it’s also more fun, none of the jobs around the smallest house in the world call for a couple of handfuls of ladybirds. It is exhausting but worth it too.
Thanks for commenting, look after yourselves.
Xxx
It is worth it. To get some inner stability and peace, whatever it takes. X
I’d lend you Mark who is fab at both DIY and housework. He’s not fazed by mental either, but your’re a bit too far off. All I can suggest is to revert to your original diagnosis and go manic for a few days. Worked for me. Kitchen in my old house went pink, blue & yellow. Rest of the house similar. Lots of Heath-Robinson DIY too. All in 36 hours. no memory of any of it.
But slugs won’t hurt, dripping just annoying (I hope) rather than catastrophic, Tesco failures resolved by Dominos. Go for therapeutic planning until you’re all ready to start.
Hi Jane
Mark would be very useful but you need him. Your kitchen sounds wonderful and you sure did cram a lot into those 36 hours, you should be proud. If mentalism had a rewards system akin to the Scouts or Brownies, you’d have to get Mark to sew on an awful lot of badges.
You’re right about everything of course, well except perhaps the dripping but who needs a bathroom floor anyway? In 15 years and one month the house will be mine (annual mortgage statement came today) and by then I might be in a place to fix it up, failing that- matches.
Take care, say hi to Mark and Timber.
Xxx
Thanks for this. You are such a delightful blogger, no matter what situations you encounter we learn so much from you.
Hi
you’re welcome, I like doing it. Thanks for continuing to read and comment after all this time and thanks for your kind words, I hope you’re ok.
Xxx
Mentalist Pro Tips:
[1] For every drip there is a bucket:
http://twitpic.com/a6immx/full
[2] The door-doorway dualism is a product of reductive maleness-of-reason enlightenment thinking. Doors work best when allowed to roam free in herds:
http://twitpic.com/a6imxu/full
[3] Mounds of washing work like compost – leave it for long enough and it will clean itself:
Before:
http://twitpic.com/a6in5d/full
After:
http://twitpic.com/a6irtu/full
[4] The kitchen is no place for washing up – that is an insidious notion put about by Fairyliquid:
http://twitpic.com/a6is07/full
[5] for every call you will forget about before you’ve even finished there is an app:
https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.record.my.call&hl=en
Dx
Hi
you always manage to appear at the “heartbroken by self” stage, like a miserable, mental ray of sunshine. You have answers for everything and today, pictures too! It’s indicative of our unique relationship that my first thought upon receiving a comment form you is “oh good, he didn’t off himself”.
I don’t have a bucket, the drip, drip, drip is too low down so Tupperware takes the strain- this doubles up as a cat water bowl so really it’s quite efficient. I envy your herd of doors, may invest in some sort of herding animal to direct them here then nail them to the architraves.
So nice to see you.
Xxx
Hi,
You too. Just back from playing norovirus roulette at Tesco’s ‘almost lethal’ section. Tonight’s tea is Trifle and ‘Jubilee Spring Rolls’. In that order. I don’t know what makes them Jubilee but I do know they were five pounds reduced to 5p. As I occupy my personal thrown with free flowing amoebic dysentery I will imagine our own dear Queen similarly squirting watery excreta, Britannia rules the waves of involuntary bowel contractions.
Yes still alive. Though you are catching me on the rebound from a ‘I have failed at everything my life is empty and pointless it must end now’ night – oh such larks.
I find your tupperware drip catching-cat lapping solution to be ingenious and evidence that (?) was correct – you have solutions not problems. I will ask the doors if they fancy a holiday in Scotland but I’m not overly hopeful – they are insisting on Narnia – apparently a wardrobe they know recommended it.
D.
Mmmm jubilee spring rolls sound lovely and what a bargain! The queen probably has someone to shit for her.
“Norovirus roulette” made me laugh- a lot, so much so that I suspect I’ll never be able to go near the ‘almost lethal’ section in Tesco again for fear I find it all just too hilarious and show myself up in public, and we wouldn’t want that.
Glad you’re still alive, though you’re not really selling yourself to me here, you’ve taken the sheen off by telling me you’ve failed at everything and your life is empty and pointless. I usually only maintain, bizarre, intimate yet shared by everyone blog comment based relationships with people who are high achievers. I’ll make an exception for you as you speak to doors.
I’m going to need more cats or a cat with diabetes or something as I’m having to empty the Tupperware far too frequently, can’t let it get too heavy you see as the floor is rotten.
Xxx
Who needs doors anyway? Well, you do, but I’m with the others in thinking it doesn’t need to be a priority. I have a friend in what I think is your neck of the woods who I could lend you – but she is a wee bit mental and tends to hit things until they work! Actually, on a serious note I could ask her if there is a female firm of what would it be? joiners? I know such things exist in London, there might be one where you are too.
Cats are good – anyone who owns a cat is lovely.
Hi
I need doors but they can wait, in fact I may train myself up in the art of dooristry and become a a firm of female joiners…? Cats are good, though I think I may be overdoing it with three.
Xxx
‘personality wheel of fortune’ – i like that
i dont have DID myself but have been diagnosed with a mental illness, part of which involves something similar
i found your blog yesterday and im very glad i did.
Hi
the personality wheel of fortune is similar to ‘identity roulette’, there’s a TV gameshow in there somewhere! Welcome to the blog, I’m glad you found it too- sorry you had to go mental first, if it helps, some of the nicest people I know are mental so you’re in good company.
Xxx
Hi Zoe
Thought you may find this interesting:
http://talentsearch.ted.com/video/Eleanor-Longden-Learning-from-t;TEDLondon
xx
Hi Mandy
if only I’d got something nice and socially acceptable like schizophrenia! She’s an inspirational woman, no doubt about it. I’m several inspirational women and I am quite confident that one day we will be able to do what it is we need to do to try and help challenge the cultural dissociation that gives those of us with DID such a raw deal. Until then, I’ll just keep on keeping on.
Xxx
Mandy
Have you read THIS blog?
identity roulette is a game i play when i get dressed in the morning
thanks for the nice welcome
ps – i like swings too – not roundabouts though, they make me feel VERY sick
Hi
I’m like Mr Benn in the mornings, never know who I’m going to be, opening the wardrobe can be perilous!
Avoid roundabouts then- see I also give good advice!
Xxx
I tried to hang a door once and broke my face. Just saying. Love you, you’re not a cunt.
Hhahahahahahahahaha! Nearly died when the Gmail notification box popped up with “Nex has left a comment…” so glad you let Starbucks rename you, last time they asked me for a name I just glared for a while, trying hard not to say WE DON’T SHARE NAMES!
Sorry you broke your face, hope it’s all better now *boops your nose* so glad I’m not a cunt.
Love you too
Xxx