In October 2009 I broke my leg. I didn’t realise I’d broken my leg but I knew something wasn’t right. I went to see my GP, she didn’t notice that my leg was broken as she couldn’t see it but she did think I looked really unwell; she referred me to a psychiatrist who specialised in treating people who looked really unwell.
I also got given a CPN who knew a lot about people who were really unwell. We talked a lot about being really unwell, sometimes she talked about the signs of a broken leg. I didn’t know my leg was broken and I didn’t want her to think my leg was broken so I tried not to talk to her about it. The CPN was great at talking about being really unwell and lots of other things besides so we always had plenty to talk about.
I went to see the psychiatrist, he agreed with the GP that I was really unwell; he didn’t look at my broken leg and I didn’t mention it as I didn’t realise it was broken. The psychiatrist gave me some medication, for the unwellness and sent me away. The medication didn’t work, I was still unwell so I went back to see the psychiatrist again. This time the psychiatrist looked at me but he must have missed my broken leg. The psychiatrist decided I had a slightly painful ear and gave me medication for slightly painful ears. This medication didn’t make my broken leg any better so he gave me more medication for slightly painful ears
And more
And more
And more
And more
And more
My leg was still broken but I didn’t have the words ‘leg, is, broken, my’ in my vocabulary in the right order so I didn’t know my leg was broken but I did know I didn’t have a slightly sore ear.
My broken leg wasn’t getting treated and soon it started to have an impact on everything I did. I went to a hospital for people with slightly sore ears, I stayed there a while and went back several times, I got even more medication for slightly sore ears but my broken leg never got any better.
I saw a different psychiatrist, she said ‘you have slightly sore ears but if I tilt my head like this *tilts head* you look a bit like someone who may have a broken leg’ she gave me different medication for slightly sore ears.
I looked up information on broken legs, all of the information pointed to the fact that my leg was broken, very badly broken. I was so scared about having a broken leg that I denied it was broken. Sometimes I didn’t know it was broken even though my broken leg was causing more and more problems for me every day. I hid my broken leg even from myself.
I stopped taking the medication for slightly sore ears; my broken leg told me it wasn’t helping.
I started seeing a psychologist; she didn’t care if I had slightly sore ears or a broken leg which was nice but my broken leg often got in the way of our conversations. We both carried on as though it wasn’t there, even though we both knew it was.
My leg was still broken, it got more and more broken every day and caused me a great deal of pain. I had to give up my job because of my broken leg, I gave up all my hobbies, I stopped doing anything I used to do as the broken leg was so broken and hurt so much it got in the way of everything.
Some time later, when everybody thought my slightly sore ears were still slightly sore, I was sent to see another psychiatrist, a very important psychiatrist who knew a lot about slightly sore ears.
He asked about my slightly sore ears, my painful arm, itchy skin, night time cough, headache, sneezing and lots of other things.
My leg got even more broken, I ended up in hospitals for people with slightly sore ears many more times, I saw many more psychiatrists but none of them noticed my broken leg.
The important psychiatrist had looked at my records, I’d had a slightly sore ear a long time ago, had seen psychiatrists and been given medication for slightly sore ears. I didn’t know.
My broken leg explained that it had always been a bit broken and had broken quite badly before but managed to heal itself enough to not be too obvious- for a while.
I talked to some people who knew a lot about broken legs, I did some tests that strongly indicated my leg was broken.
I talked to the important psychiatrist again.
I told him about my broken leg.
He told me that he didn’t believe legs could be broken.
I knew my leg was broken, you know if you have a broken leg.
I didn’t want my leg to be broken.
Nobody was sure whether to believe that my leg was broken- even though it obviously was- except the CPN who said quite clearly ‘her leg is broken’.
I though maybe my leg wasn’t broken, I thought maybe I’d made it all up.
I waited.
My leg got more and more broken, the pain got worse and worse. My broken leg was now so bad that I couldn’t do anything at all; I couldn’t look after the children or even myself properly.
All I wanted was somebody to make the broken leg hurt a little less, I knew my broken leg was never going to get better completely, it had been too badly broken for far too long. I just wanted someone to tell me that I could somehow live with a broken leg and that sometimes; maybe it would hurt a little less.
I waited.
The psychologist wrote a letter to another psychiatrist and his psychiatrist friends who knew a little about some of the signs of a broken leg. They said my leg was most probably broken and suggested who might be able to say for sure that my leg was broken and offer some treatment for my broken leg.
I waited.
I had to write to the boss of all the psychiatrists and tell them about my broken leg, this was hard as now I was very ashamed of my broken leg, I knew my broken leg was very difficult for people to understand, I knew for most people I was the first person with a broken leg they’d ever met. I knew my broken leg was so broken it was scary, made people anxious and most people didn’t know what to do about a broken leg.
I waited.
I felt very guilty about my broken leg as I knew it made people very uncomfortable. I knew I knew more about broken legs than the people that were supposed to be helping me. I tried my best to teach them about broken legs. I told them where they could get information about broken legs that they could use to help me. I thought the broken leg was all my fault.
I waited.
My leg got more broken and so much more painful. I though I was wrong about my broken leg, I thought I wasn’t allowed to have a broken leg. I tried to ignore my broken leg but it wouldn’t let me.
The CPN learned a lot about broken legs, she was the only one who could make it hurt less for a while she also told me that the broken leg wasn’t my fault.
The psychologist agreed that I had all the signs of a broken leg but she didn’t like the term ‘broken leg.’ Sometimes my broken leg wasn’t as noticeable as the psychologist expected a broken leg to be. Sometimes she wasn’t sure if it was there at all. I tried to help the psychologist understand broken legs but it often caused my broken leg to hurt even more and sometimes get a bit more broken. I don’t think the psychologist ever knew how much my broken leg hurt even though I tried to tell her.
I waited.
I got referred to another psychiatrist, one who believed legs could be broken, one who has seen broken legs before. I was very pleased and very scared, I wasn’t sure if my leg was broken, I knew my leg was broken, I didn’t want my leg to be broken, I didn’t think my leg was broken, my leg hurt, my broken leg made me very confused.
I waited.
Everybody accepted my leg was broken but nobody was allowed to say I had a broken leg until the psychiatrist who knew about broken legs had written ‘has a broken leg’ on my file.
I waited.
I wasn’t sure if my leg was broken. I knew my leg was broken as my leg told me it was broken. My leg hurt more and more every day.
I waited.
Today I went to see the psychiatrist who knew about broken legs
He wrote, on my file-
Has a broken leg
Finally !!!!!!! Is he planning to put a cast on that fucking broken leg???
I hope so….
xxxxx
Hi Dawn
he wanted to put a cast on the leg but he’s too far away to do it himself. NHS Fife have to put a cast on the leg but he’s going to tell them they have to do it, who can help and that it’s important they do it very quickly.
Xxx
*loud cheers*
I’ve no idea how you’ve survived his far, I’m just SO pleased for you that you’ve finally got the broken leg confirmed.
I’m so over the moon for you I think I might turnip.
Turnips xx
Hi Ali
I have no idea how I’ve survived either but I have, there are many reasons I could offer speculatively but I think it’s mainly to do with turnips.
I think it might be more to do with the turnips though.
It’s always hard to tell.
Xxx
Zoe, I’m so, so pleased they’ve actually acknowledged you have a broken leg, it must be so validating to actually see it written down and spoken out loud after so long.
I hope now things can move forward and your pain doesn’t hurt as much.
You’re very brave. xxxxxxx
Love,
Agent C.
Hi Agent C
he knew the broken leg was there straight away, never doubted it for a second and he wrote ‘has a broken leg’ on a pink post-it for me to keep as well.
Thank you for saying I’m brave, I am sometimes.
Xxx
This made me go all teary and get goosebumps. You write very well.
I wonder how you’re feeling now? What now, Zoe McGee? Do you have more treatment options? I really hope that’s the case.
I’ve only just woken up so I’m a bit not-making-sense-y. But I want you to know that you’ve done so amazingly surviving all this (even if it doesn’t feel like it) and you’ve been so patient with such a fucked up system. (I know how angry you were, but I didn’t hear of any murders in the NHS so I’d still say you were patient!)
I’m sending lots and lots of love and tea xxxxx
Hi
what now? Ready-brek (generic) tea and twitter as usual but Ready-brek, tea and twitter all done whilst knowing that somebody somewhere is making what’s next, come next.
I have been patient, no murders, even though a few were so well deserved, I expect a bouquet from NHS Fife to thank me but will accept them accepting and acting upon the treatment recommendations instead.
Thanks for the love and tea.
Xxx
Can I write ‘Important Psychiatrist is a nobber’ on your cast?
Hi, missed you.
You may write ‘Important psychiatrist is a nobber’ I’ll even let you use my crayons but you’ll have to write it in quite small letters to fit it in next to all the other comments.
Xxx
Ah, I thought I had replied … but then I thought I was an immortal, omniscient, pan-dimensional super-being for a bit … still hoping I am, you never know – really, really putting all my eggs into the ‘…he woke up and it had all been a dream…’ basket. Life (madness) getting in the way more than I would like right now – the ‘have more drugs’ (medicine) ‘lets take a different approach’ (psych) mantra is wearing a bit thin – I’ve gone from being ‘a concern’ to ‘difficult’ because I’ve stopped playing the game by the rules. Still, there are always biscuits – they are the one certainty in life – the hulk,sadly, has left politics to star in some film – I sent him a bourbon to try and tempt him back but as yet no reply. When your leg is better we should have a party conference to thrash out policy – currently on the SMB agenda:
[1] Tea and shortbread biscuits available on the nhs
[2] NHS professionals required to do what mad people tell them to do
[3] Balloons for everyone, on call 24-7 whenever you need them
You did reply, I was just too heartbroken by myself to reply to your reply.
I know being ‘difficult’ and it’s agony. I also know that dream, that dream is often my reality, fortunately I skip the medicine.
The agenda looks good, I’d add
[4] cuddles from those that are safe to cuddle when needed
[5] all MH professionals should understand everything that’s real for you, however obnoxious, malevolent and terrifying it is for them.
[6] care plans that care, care plans that take you to see the Muppet Movie.
[7] internet access available on prescription.
[8] …..
I have a different approach *approaches you differently*
I hope you are immortal, for purely selfish reasons.
I have no biscuits but if I did I’d share them with you and I’m not very good at sharing.
Xxx
I really hope that those 4 words are the turning point for you, that you feel a sense of relief and others can now start mending your very broken leg. You deserve a mended leg.
Hi
nice to ‘see’ you again. It is a turning point, personally a huge one- in terms of them MH system it will probably turn out to be a very slow turn but it’s turning.
I do deserve a mended leg.
Xxx
I read everything you write both here and twitter – I just don’t know what to reply with. It took a few years and several different diagnoses for my wife to actually finally be told she had MS. Which was a relief (it had a name) and scary (because of what it was). So I can appreciate a little of where you were but your circumstances were so different and you seemed so isolated I really had no idea what I could say.
I’m sure it will take a while but at least others know the directions now and why they need to go that way.
Take care.
I understand that mix of relief and devastation so well.
I hope you and your wife can get the right help.
Look after each other.
Xxx
I’ve just been reading an escellent book on DID – ‘All of me’. I do hope that now you have a diagnosis, some progress can be madel
xx
Hi
I’ve read many excellent books on DID, more people should read them, particularly MH professionals.
The diagnosis was huge progress, I expect more.
Xxx
Yay! *puts stickers on Zoe’s cast*
Much love xx
*admires stickers*
Thanks, love you.
Xxx
i
I am so happy for you. If anyone ever deserved to be told their leg is broken it was you. If i believed in such a thing then karma has a lot of work to do to sort out the people who wouldnt listen to you. Blog made me cry….again xxx
Hi
I’m just sorry that my broken leg makes things so much clearer for you but I’m glad you could see my broken leg too.
Xxx
If you’d been to see me I could have fired some rays at you to show up your broken leg. When you do get a cast there are some lovely colours out there, maybe you can.convince them to do you a rainbow one. You deserve it (((hugs))) x
Hi
if only they’d done an x-ray, broken legs don’t show up on MRIs.
It will be a rainbow cast, custom designed.
Xxx
Ah how lovely – a diagnosis. And of course, the broken leg is not your fault. Here’s to the turn. And the sticker-coated rainbow cast xxxxx
Hi Shel
in a tragic, devastating way it was and is lovely.
Xxx
Finally someone gets it. I take it there is, or will be a plan. How does everyone feel today? So so pleased for you, and I love the idea of the post it note. I have pink post its, but they have notes like “phone vet” and “get sick note”. Yours is one to keep safe.
xxxxx
Hi
he got it, he had it before I even got there.
Today everyone feels calm, peaceful and hopeful in a way that we’ve never felt before.
There is a plan, we’ll talk about it another time.
The post-it is very safe.
Xxx
At last! Am so very pleased and I hope, hope, hope this is the start of something positive for you.
At last! It is the start of something positive, will doubtless be slow and at times very painful as I’m still dragging round my broken leg but I have hope now, that I never had before.
Xxx
At last. I’m so glad you’ve finally got some hope. I’m so angry it’s taken so long. Love you xxxx
Hi
don’t be angry, be vengeful it’s much more fun.
Love you too
Xxx
I’m so glad for you, and really hoping they will help you now. And your comment about feeling calm, peaceful and hopeful – fantastic.
Hi
they will help me now, they can’t not anymore. Calm and peaceful was good, theses things are never enduring but at least I have a written record that it did happen to refer to later!
Xxx
It is a rare psychiatrist that can diagnose a Broken Leg. Congratulations on your find! And congratulations, too, on your remarkable perseverance, Zoe. That’s what counts, I guess. As Johnny Weissmuller once told aspiring Tarzans, “Hang onto that rope!” I’m sending you a rope made of the rainbow silk of golden spiders to swing over the abyss of ignorance and land in the field of the well-informed where you will be safe and happy. I’m on a similar quest;
yesterday we were told my husband has Alzheimers.
Hi
I like the sound of that rope, I needed a new one at the last one broke.
I’m sorry to hear your news, having your broken leg called a broken leg is both good and agonisingly painful.
Take care of yourselves.
Xxx
So sad that it took so long for the broken leg to be seen! Lets hope that in the future professionals will have better eye sight! I think though that maybe you have to have special xray vision to see this particular way the leg is broken. Guess we need to hope for more education and training to be given and even special glasses! Onwards and upwards now
The real work starts here ! xxx
Hi Jay
the most obvious broken leg in a long time, they couldn’t see it as they weren’t looking then when they looked they didn’t like it so looked away. I’ve done my bit to encourage others to develop that special x-ray vision or at least try the glasses on.
Onwards and upwards (and sideways and backwards)
Xxx
Ah Zoe, your talent with the written word is awesome and now you have your proper label the emotion is even stronger. I hope your leg gets set properly so you can be supported to walk straight and strong in the future.
Hi
thanks, I am multi-talented, just like I told them! The leg will get supported, I’ll make sure of it. Thanks so much for commenting, you know.
Xxx
I’m so glad someone finally listened, I hope you can now get the right help that you need and deserve. *sends rainbow stickers*
Hi
thanks for the stickers, rainbow stickers are my favourite kind.
The right help is within sniffing distance now, at last.
Xxx
So glad he could see through the defences. And so glad you all feel calm and peaceful now. One of my biggest fears is how I would react if my present psychiatrist actually managed to notice my leg was broken – that would mean I would have to actually acknowledge it too (some of me are determined they are not part of the broken leg syndrome and the fact my current pysch rubbished my previous broken leg diagnosis only played into their hands).
Sending you lots of strength and courage for the journey ahead xxx
Hi
he was amazing, there was no need for the usual defences, everyone felt respected and welcome, I have never had an experience like that before, it felt dignified. Psychs love to rubbish things, without a thought or a care for the impact this might have.
Some bits of my broken leg believe they are intact, whole legs too so there are multiple challenges ahead, I’ll need that strength and courage but want you to keep some for yourself too.
Xxx
I love this post! I think it’s a totally genius way of describing the experience of being passed from professional to professional. You are a fantastic writer, Zoe. I’m glad you finally got those words put in your file and I wish you all the best in the future x
Thanks, I love this post too.
Xxx
Hurrah for everyone knowing you have a broken leg. That’s a good thing isn’t it?
Although how noone noticed a broken leg, I don’t know, the bones sticking out and the leg pain etc #misunderstoodmetaphor #usingtwitterhashtagsinablogcommentfeelsstrange
Hi
it was a full-blown compound fracture so how they didn’t see it is beyond me. It’s a good thing they’ve seen it and stopped pretending it wasn’t there.
#hashtagsinblogcommentsaregreat #Iusethemintextmessagestoo #Imannoyinglikethat
Xxx
Hi
Have followed your blog and your journey for a long time, and wanted to say that I am so so so pleased for you.
This has been too long coming…. and I hope you get the help you deserve now.
Chloe xx
Hi Chloe
thanks for commenting, it has been too long coming, the prologue of my story was far too long. I’m hoping chapter 1 can start soon.
Xxx
Wow…. that left me really emotional.
Very pleased for you xxxxxx
Hi
left me really emotional too.
Thanks
Xxx
[...] The next blog was actually written last week but I want to draw attention to it. Mental Political Parent wrote a very moving post about a broken leg: [...]
Your post made me smile and cringe at the same time… yes you know when your leg is broken! I did in 1991 when I fell and slipped on some ice, I was 13… it was January the first day back to school after the half term. I was whisked to A&E in a nice shiny ambulance and told because my leg was not swollen it could not possibly be broken… I knew it was, but they could not be bothered to x-ray it (despite A&E being empty!) and sent me home hobbling on the arm of my mother who came to collect me. I promptly got home and sat there for three days unable to move, I knew my leg was broken.
Four days later I was taken back to A&E by my mother who demanded an x-ray, reluctantly they did one, my leg was broken, the Tibia in fact and a temporary cast put on until the next morning when a proper cast was put on.
I would certainly write something on that cast of yours for the psychiatrist!
Hi
smiling and cringing is what I was going for! I’m glad your broken leg got a cast, even if you did have to wait a bit. I got given a kind of very small sticky plaster for mine which washed off in the bath the next day so I’m still dragging round a broken leg. I just hope I get at least a tubi-grip soon as all the bones are sticking out now and it really hurts.
When I get my cast you can join the legion of people who want to write on it- it’s going to need to be a big cast.
Thanks for commenting.
Xxx
This is so well written! It made me uncomfortable, but in a familiar way. I understand your frustration.
Thank you.
I’m sorry you understand,, it is very frustrating- except when it all feels hopeless. I think, on balance, frustrating is better.
Xxx
Very true/agreed!
I love your blog but you have blocked me on Twitter? Have I done something?
Hi
thanks for commenting.
You’ve done nothing wrong as far as I can recall (which on a good day is around 14 seconds!), I periodically go through followers and get rid of any that I don’t interact with most days, it’s a safety thing. I need to know that those I share twitter with understand and know how to react to what they get there. So it’s probably that you and I just didn’t chat there, I’ll unblock you but I demand interaction! I get suspicious of anyone who just follows and a bit self-concious as twitter tends to be more floridly mad than the blog.
Xxx
Hi – are you swathed in hard white stuff yet? Or is it one of those modern fancydan plastic ones?
Dx
Hi
guess what?
Yep- still dragging around my painful, horribly broken leg. All the bones/tendons/veins/arteries and nerves are hanging out and it makes a ‘schlomf, schlomf’ noise when I walk and leaves a trail of gore in my wake.
Nobody here knows how to apply a plaster so we’re waiting for someone who does know to-
say they can
how they will
how much it’ll cost
Then we have to wait for a panel of faceless people to decide whether they think my miserable existence is worth any extra effort/cash.
So I’m back in/still in limbo- a place where the mad get madder and the sad get sadder.
It’s a curious approach to mental wellbeing, perhaps they are just waiting until there really is nothing to save so they can justify not even trying?
Xxx
It gets to the point where people start wondering if you *want* to have a broken leg, because you are so ‘obsessed’ with proving that you do. Then they say “why do you want to have it? Isn’t it good you don’t?” But the point is, I do. I always have had it… I just want someone to believe it and help me!
Hi
some of them treated me as though I’d gone to ‘The Big Book of Painful Afflictions’ and chosen ‘Broken Leg’ like some sort of disability menu. I also got told how dreadful it would be for me to have my broken leg confirmed- but I knew without confirmation of the broken leg, nobody was ever going to do the right things to help me fix it.
You know if you have a broken leg, you need to keep pointing at it and saying ‘look it’s broken’ and hope somebody listens. I hope they do soon.
Xxx
[...] « A Story About A Broken Leg I DIDn’t Have. The Right Help To Be Terrifyingly Confused [...]
You are an amazing writer. You fought and waited for long and yu were rewarded – I’m so glad. Go you. B
Well one of us is an amazing writer! Thank you for your kind words.
Xxx
[...] at the time my correct diagnosis was accepted but not allowed to be spoken of as I hadn’t had the official stamp on my notes. Don’t get me wrong, I’m relieved I escaped yet more time in horrendous pit of shitness that is [...]
I am so sorry your leg is broken, but so pleased that it has been properly diagnosed – at last. I know it is now 4 months or more since you were given the pink postit note. I hope your leg gets mended eventually, and that now, 4 months on, some progress has been made, even if only a very little.
*wants to hug Zoe*
*sends love*
Hi Di
nice to see you here. The leg is still broken, probably always will be but 4 months on it’s less painful than it was and having less of an impact on everything else. I expect further improvements in time.
*accepts hugs and love*
Xxx