You know that acceptance thing that I talked about here somewhere ? Well forget it, I’m over it.
I’m guessing at the actual physiology involved but I can only assume that now that my body has had a reasonable level of nourishment for around a week it is no longer allowing my brain to remain in that blissed-out semi-starved state where everything is peachy.
I am no longer numb.
I can cope with being numb, not feeling anything comes easily to me, feeling the way I do at the moment does not.
I’m told writing is clearly a coping strategy for me and I hope it is as all my other coping strategies, which would be so much easier to employ right now, are extremely unhealthy. I have also considered just “going mental and smashing shit up” but as I would invariably have to replace said shit at some point and that would cost money I don’t have, I’m trying to avoid it.
Emotions aren’t my strong point; I have the emotional intelligence of a 3 year old. I struggle to identify what it is I’m actually feeling (ugh, I even cringe at the word) and then if I do identify it I have absolutely no idea what to do with it.
Today I have identified ANGER
anger
Pronunciation:/ˈaŋgə/ (does anybody find dictionary pronunciation guides useful?)
noun
a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility
I have checked to make sure it wasn’t just a rather extreme case of my default “emotion”- fine or perhaps fine mixed with a touch of indigestion or maybe fine and “a bit tired” or maybe fine but “a bit anxious”. I was meticulous in my checking as I don’t really do anger. It is with some surprise that I have concluded that it is indeed- nasty, painful, acidic, black, pungent, sticky, loud, dirty, dripping, searing, putrid, ugly, festering, foreboding, furious anger. “A strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure or hostility” doesn’t even come close.
The obvious question would have to be why am I so angry? Well I could point to a number of things but these things would count as no more than mere irritations- the cobbles on the road to Angrytown. I’ve had the same run-of-the-mill niggles as everyone else today, tardy children, difficult to remove screws, a bumped elbow, rubbish weather, other drivers and so on. The real reason I’m angry is that-
I DON’T WANT TO BE MENTAL ANYMORE
I’m done, I’m over it, it’s too bloody difficult.
I know I’m not special and I know I’m not different or unique. I know we’re all mental in our own way. I know there are many, many people far more mental and far worse off than me. I know that some poor buggers have had to take “weeks off work with depression” and I know that everyone gets anxious sometimes but unless you have experienced what I have experienced over the past few days then you can fuck off- you have no idea what its like to be mental.
This all reminds me of the time the 16 year old was diagnosed with autism- aged 3. So many people gave me the “we’re all somewhere on the spectrum” speech and as I was only young and very unsure- I took it, nodded glibly and moved on. It took me some years to pluck up the courage to reply to someone (who had told me they could only eat yoghurt with one special spoon- that’s how autistic they were) “OK, come back to me when you can’t speak, can’t communicate with body language, rub shit on the walls, pick holes in your own skin and wander onto railway tracks, then tell me where you are on the spectrum”. I still get that speech to this day and though my reply now would have different components I would be equally vehement. Unless you have been there or are there then you have no idea.
I think I may be finally writing the post that can never be published.
I am in so much pain and so chewed up inside I am struggling to actually write, I wanted to present an eloquent account of my last few days in an attempt to justify my anger and my rampant desire to be normal. Anyone who is now planning on saying or is even thinking “yes but what is “normal”, who is “normal” anyway? (complete with air quotes)” can also fuck off.
We all know what normal is, normal is being able to go out of your house alone, normal is being able to go into a shop- even though it’s been rearranged, normal is eating pasta and bread at the same meal and not frantically Googling to see if that’s what normal people do, normal is not being so “good” at self-induced vomiting that you don’t even have to touch yourself to throw up, normal is not delaying every bite of food even when you’re delirious with hunger, normal is not debating after every mouthful whether to throw-up again or not, normal is not waking up every morning lamenting the fact you didn’t die in your sleep, normal is being able to answer a ringing telephone or better still make a call, normal is being able to remember what you’ve done, who you’ve spoken to and where you’ve been- without having to refer to written hints, normal is wanting to get out of bed in the morning and get on with your day instead of spending all day wanting to climb back in, normal is not abusing prescription medication so you can sleep and escape for a while, normal is not waking up four hours after you go to bed, normal is not having to work hard to resist the desire to take a razor blade to your own skin- because you know you’re in the kind of mood where you could happily sever a limb, normal is wearing sunglasses because it’s sunny or they look good- not to stop people seeing your eyes just in case they can see inside your head, normal is being able to sit in a room with your own children in the evening without wanting to climb out of your own skin, normal is not watching TV because there’s nothing on- not because every sound from it sounds like fireworks in your head and you’re already overloaded with all the other noises the world makes, normal is keeping your house tidy because you like a tidy house- not because you can’t bear to see anything out of place, out of your control, normal is having a glass or two of wine- over an evening- not in an hour in an attempt to anaesthetise yourself from your own misery, normal is meeting new people online who you genuinely like and not being too terrified to meet them in real life, normal is going to work, normal is not being too afraid to eat a biscuit in case you end up eating the whole packet, normal is reading a newspaper, normal is being with people and enjoying it, normal is not waking up every day and not dreading the inevitable abnormality you know your day will bring.
I could go on but this has rapidly become verbal self-harm and a whinge about not being who I used to claim to be.
Several people reading this will identify with one or more of the things I have raised- but imagine having them all and more every second of every day and you get a tiny bit of insight into my “life”.
So there it is- the truth. This post does nothing to challenge stigma, nothing to educate people about mental health issues and paints a very bad picture of me indeed. I have chosen 4 special people to read this post to help me decide whether to publish it or not, if you’re not one of the 4 and you’re reading it then I hope it has helped you in some way, if so then please leave a comment to that effect.
So how have I dealt with my anger? Well I’ve written this post, I’m not sure it’s helped as I don’t feel any less mental or angry now than I did when I started it. I feel there is so much more I could say but I can’t put it into words.
On a positive note, I suppose I’ve only started feeling this way because I’ve stopped starving myself and that has to be a good thing right? Maybe I will get there one day, I hope so.
Thanks for writing this post and being brave enough to publish it. Makes me feel less alone
Thank you, glad you feel less alone. My posting had little to do with bravery, I’m not very brave at all, it just helps to write it all down and then the publicity seeking whore side of me kicks in and presses “publish”.
Zoe
Xxx
xxx thank you Zoe xxx
You’re very welcome, thank you for commenting.
Zoe
Xxx
Maybe you will get there one day….I hope so too
xxxxxx
I will, thanks for everything you’ve said and done.
Zoe
Xxx
i dont know what to say. your pain is visceral.
You don’t need to say anything, just keep doing what you’re doing and it will all be ok.
Zoe
Xxx
Insight is painful. Maybe by publishing this you are making a step forward? You have something many people with mental illness do not, you have a recognition and insight to your illness and how you feel and react. These are powerful tools, ones which will help you to recover. Much love to you Zoe xx
Thank you. Insight is awful- it’s bad enough being mental but being able to watch yourself go mental is torture. I would swap for the totally batshit crazy, no insight at all, going with the flow mentalism any day. Maybe it will help, I hope so.
Zoe
Xxx
Hey hun,
I went through similar feelings although completely different situations.
My therapist said I was grieving … Grieving for who I once was before I became a 1 in 4 and it all went so horribly wrong. Anger is one of those stages … I hated the world, still do at times (alright, a lot of the time!!)
Not sure whether that will help, comfort or encourage you in any way, shape or form … Keep fighting, keep writing … One day you WILL get there.
Much love Mrs xxx
Thank you. I thought I’d done grief but like everything else it appears to come back from time to time- and every time it takes me by surprise.
Zoe
Xxx
I think this is a brilliant post. The part about what normal is is something few people have the courage to say out loud. Very pleased you decided to publish it, I think it will help more people than you realise.
I said to you recently that I love the 100% no-holds-barred truth in your writings, this is a prime example.
Well done Zoe.
Thanks Ali, I still don’t see how my blog helps people but people say it does and in some way it helps me so I will continue to write and publish as long as I have fingers (and a sticker covering the webcam on my laptop).
Zoe
Xxx
I think recognising the anger, the fear, the grief etc, has to be a good thing. Keep talking honey, and keep trying. xxxxx
Thank you. I’m sick of having to recognise things- over and over again but I will keep trying.
Zoe
Xxx
I don’t know what to say to make it better. I wish I did. I wanted you to know I’m reading & I care. If it helps at all , your anger is normal. Of course you are angry. It’s not fair that you should have to feel this way.
And it does help to know I’m not the only one who gets so furious with the world for doing this to me.
ly
Xx
P.s the eating is marvellous.infact, you are marvellous.
Thank you. It’s not fair, not fair at all but then I’ve met some of the best people in the world that I would never have met if it hadn’t happened and I wouldn’t be without those people now.
Zoe
Xxx
I’ve been reading your blog for a why. No mention of therapy, just medication. ??? I’m not talking run of the mill therapy, I’m talking the kind of stuff that is almost as unpleasant to undertake as what you are writing about in this post. It’s all about getting the right meds these days. There are great therapies out there (they are not quick fixes), but the health service isn’t going to tell you about them.
I’m rubbish at replying to comments and I have a huge backlog of replies to make but I wanted to jump in here just to let you know I do get therapy (see “Fab Psychologist” tag) obviously the NHS made me wait until my life was destroyed and put me through the charade that was CBT first but I am in therapy. I think the problem is that I am inclined to say more here than I ever am in sessions. Working on it…..
Thanks for commenting
Zoe
Xxx
Fucking hell ( i love to swear btw) I feel like I could have wrote that post myself….the people seeing in your eyes….being able to see you thoughts and whats going on in your head….my care team have commented on this (i dont even look at them…just in case the see and take me away) The cleaning has become an OCD thing for me atm….its because the head is so messy that everything else needs to be in order and in place. The biscuits….yep…I eat one and the whole packet goes….cereal is another….and the vomitting….shit isnt it
Im not glad that you are like this BUT selfishly I also sort of am….becasue it means that I am not alone in this weird but very accurate way of feeling….HOW i iwsh we didnt have these thoughts how i wish we could just be frigging normal!!
Thanks for sharing Zoe and please realise you are not alone…..btw i sort of read the post but in a scanning manner…I can read (usually very well) but atm its a bit blurry….head focus speed etc
Thanks. I know you get it, I wish you didn’t but then if you didn’t get it we wouldn’t have our wonderful, mental friendship and the world would be a much more boring place but then as you know, I quite fancy boring for a while.
Zoe
Xxx
I just love you x
I know you do.
Zoe
Xxx
Zoe, I said to you last night how much I admire and respect you for posting this and having just read it again that feeling has increased. I’m not going to sit here and pretend I know how hard it was for you to post this, but I do think that you’re incredibly brave. Others have said that they wish they could say or do something to make things even a little bit better for you, I can only echo that. There are parts of your post which terrify me because it is how I feel, written in your words, although as you said, that is only a small insight into how you feel, but I really do get that you don’t want to be mental anymore.
I don’t know what else to say; I don’t want to come across patronising and I am really sorry if I have done. I admire you courage for posting this. Indirectly I think you will have helped so many people.
Laura xxxx
Thank you. Not patronising at all, I’m sorry that so much resonates with you.
Zoe
Xxx
Zoe you are so brave and strong. Reading this post makes me feel better. Thank you for being so honest xxx
Thank you. Not brave or strong, just Zoe but Zoe surrounded by fab people like you and all the others.
Zoe
Xxx
I suffer from depression BUT I can’t even begin to imagine the kind of pain that you expressed in this post. I hope there was some release in it for you. Fuck those people who think everything is “normal”
Thank you, sorry you suffer I don’t think my pain is any worse, just different.
Zoe
Xxx
Thank you for your honest comment, stop beating yourself up.
Zoe
Xxx
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